The subject 'up' for exploration is one of Karma. Most are familiar with the term karma and we often use the phrase "what goes around, comes around" to express it in our lives. While the Eastern traditions hold the law of Karma and reincarnation as a foundational aspect of their philosophies, the Western Christian religion does not necessarily hold this belief.
A note about this, is that we can see where this law is eluded to in the Bible and where perhaps in ancient times, reincarnation may in fact have been an accepted concept within the early Christian movement.
Some definitions of karma:
1) the sum of a persons actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.
2) destiny or fate, cause and effect
3) action seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a later reincarnation. In Hinduism, one of the means of reaching Brahman . . . the Absolute, the All.
This entry a personal process. It is a vulnerable process I am sharing as sometimes our stories can help bring a light to help others. I am not claiming 'this is' the absolute truth. I do not know that my perception of this experience is fully right on. What I know is that there is a ring of truth deep within this heart and soul, that there is a resonance with what the Master's and Teacher's that have gone before have shared, and that over time the culmination of my experience thus far has given me a sense that I am on track! But it is an exploration, a questioning, an imagining and a process of self-inquiry that encompasses deep listening. So, I invite who ever is interested to explore ones own karmic lessons, as I reveal mine.
As a child of about 8 or 9 years old, like most kids, I had chores around the house to attend to.
One of my responsibilities was to do the dishes after dinner. And like many kids, I balked and found no joy in that task. Ya know, "do I have to?" "can't I do it later?" Now the interesting thing I have reflected on recently is that, we had some neighbors across the street whom I loved to go to their house and do their dishes. The kids were my age, friends, and I suppose they may have had that job themselves. However, I found so much joy in going across the street and cleaning up their kitchen! I ask myself, "Did they have express more appreciation for my deed than my parents?" I honestly don't remember. I can simply remember wiping their counters, straightening all their kitchen nik-naks and loving the outcome! I have no recollection of this at my own house.
Most all the jobs I had once I moved away from home were domestic positions. I did indeed do my fair share of retail, hostessing, reception, but they never quite fit. I was a nanny taking care of children and keeping house at 20. Then at 24 I stumbled into house cleaning after I met the gal who cleaned for my parents. That became my mode of financial livelihood.
Being self-employed had many benefits for me. I liked physical activity and I was fast and efficient. I could create my own schedule, which meant I was done with my work day by 3:00. I made really good money working less hours than a 'normal job' and I could pick and choose who I worked for. I loved the process and the way the environment looked and felt afterward.
This served me well for many years. I had the flexibility to pursue other interests. During some periods I did other work as well, but always returned to cleaning. I was able to afford and do different trainings toward 'what I wanted to be as I grew up'. I have never been conventional and have never taken conventional routes, so my figuring things out just happened as I went along. I noticed when I was called to one training or workshop in one area, it sparked an interest in another area. In this way I just followed what ever called.
In my 30's I segued into another domestic position of care giving for elder's. This was another 'stumble' along the way. Once again, I could help maintain a home and offer care and nurturing, which is another very natural way of being for me. The way I went about this employment afforded many of the same benefits as housecleaning. The work was indeed different, not always as physical, but my body was also ready for a rest.
I have believed through most of these years that I was in control of this choice to do domestic work. And of course, to some degree this is true. But what I have been questioning and struggling with on deeper levels over the last 2 years, is whether there is something stronger than my own will at play.
The ways in which many know me have more to do with the things I aspire toward. Namely to teach within the area's that I have learned either through trainings, types of process work and study of spiritual/Self awareness. Over many years I have been building a base for myself and gaining my own experiential foundation from which to be of service. It has been in the last 2 years in which I have felt a maturity around my purpose and ready to move more fully into that work.
As I have opened more to actualizing the work I am here to do, I have been blessed with wonderful clients in Portland and in Tucson. I feel the alignment and wholeness when I do the work that comes through me so naturally and I feel so honored to be a part of the lives of those people who have allowed me to be a part of their process! And I have also struggled with much resistance to that which is most true for me.
My ( and my husbands ) choice to move to Los Angeles has been both inspired and guided, as well as, a natural progression for us. We had a plan for our transition here, to the City of Angels.
The months prior to my move were fraught with sizable meltdowns as I came face to face with my resistance to doing my work and yet feeling an intolerable angst to continue doing domestic work anymore. The work that has carried me for a couple decades has kept me very safe and comfortable. It has aided my resistance. It has also drained me and has continued to highlight that is is time to move on.
During a monumental melt-down back in the spring, accompanied by an hour of unstoppable sobs and tears and ragefulness, what rose to the surface was that, "If I have to continue to do this work (cleaning/caregiving) I did not want to live anymore!" This startled both my husband and myself. The intensity with which this arose seemed so disproportionate to the reality of the situation and yet, at the same time I could feel it in every fiber of my being. It frightened me and alerted me to something so deep within, some belief, event or situation that had been buried beyond the recognition of my present life. I felt the heaviness of some kind of imposed prison I felt trapped in for some time. But at that moment a light of an expansive awareness began to shine through simultaneously.
When I began my 'waking' process, which for me started with the self-help books in my early 20's, I could track my issues to childhood, parental relationships and life events that had made deep impact. That was a necessary beginning. However, once I began what I see as the next level of 'waking', it was much more spiritually oriented rather than psychologically oriented. The first set a foundation for the next phase of this evolutionary process. Those psychological issues are the manifestation of karmic roots.
It was at that point I began to see karma as very real and it's activity bringing balance and clearing 'debts' more rapidly. I began to walk in the shoes of my own judgements almost immediately. The relationship dynamics of my past began playing out so that I may be on the opposite side, opening my perspective and deepening my understanding of the other. I was led into situations which may have been previously filled with fear, anger or 'poor me' attitudes and saw that I needed to be different. I recognized the importance of withdrawing tendencies of reactivity, which only re-assert the karmic knot that is trying to be worked out.
According to the yogic teachings, we, ie our personality is made up of past life tendencies. So what I prefer, my likes and don't likes and fears, while they may be influenced in this lifetime, have roots in past lifetimes. One of the most obvious examples as far as talents, can be seen in these very young children whose ability far surpasses their age. While we call them prodigies, another way of viewing this is that in a past life they already had mastered this skill, but for whatever reason, unique to that individual soul's expression, something was left unfinished. Perhaps the maturation process had not come to it's fruition; perhaps there was some strong desire to be a performer that needed to be played out.
So it is with this lens that I began exploring my patterns and feelings about domestic work. It is with this lens that I remembered the cleaning our neighbors kitchen as a child. It is with this lens I also remembered being in a financial bind at 20 years old, as I was trying to leave an unhealthy relationship in Columbus, Ohio and started cleaning for a couple of friends, to make some money to get home to my family in Portland, Oregon. And through this lens, was it just a coincidence that I then 'stumbled' into the cleaning biz?
After my melt down in the spring, I decided that when we moved, I was done. No more care giving, no more housecleaning. It was time to find something different and/or move into what I am here to do. This felt like such a relief. It also gave me time to reflect on the 'not wanting to live' sorrow, as I finished out my time in that last caregiving position in Tucson. The intensity of that feeling would rise and fall. In meditation and through writing I began to explore it, as well as, stayed in very close relationship to what rose in the mind and body in reaction to the circumstances.
The last 2 years have brought me the amazing opportunity to move through one powerful past life memory that facilitated much healing for me. This is the second of a similar kind. I am not one who is prone to attaching to a need to know my past lives. I have always felt that just takes me off the track of my focus on God. I have believed that what and when I need to know, will be shown to me. I don't have to go looking. It really is all playing out, in the lives we are living now, when we remember to look and see how our life is unfolding. And this has been the case in the recent past.
What I began to discover, (and I used my imagination in order to play with what might make sense) was that, perhaps . . . I had been a member of the lower caste, say in India. . . perhaps, I had other natural skills, talents, aspirations but I was not allowed to bring them forth because it would have not been appropriate for my position in life. As I began to explore this, some other information I have of this one's evolution, some pieces started to fall together. With it came a sense of relief and clarity. The inner fire of pain and rage was subdued by a recognition of a distant existence. I had to constantly neutralize my reactive tendencies and remember, that is not the truth at the present time. I have choice. I have freedom. I have the power to actualize my purpose.
With a sense of relief, the plan quickly emerged for our move. Not feeling the reaction as strong since I had gained some awareness, I let go of my refusal to do domestic work. I fell back into the security and money that can be made doing that work. I saw that I could clean for a single household in LA for about a year or two, get settled, do a bit more schooling in another area of interest, do my work if it came about organically, and after a year or so, begin more seriously to manifest my purpose.
I brought with me over a decade of experience in housecleaning, over a decade in care giving and stunning references, both professional and personal. I found an awesome agent at one of the elite domestic agencies and my hopes were high!
I had also been in contact with a wonderful guy who was ready to work with me on renting studio space in his healing arts center. I kept it filed away, while I plugged away, dwindling funds down, and feeling all my security issues on edge, pursuing 'my' plan. Finally, after a month, I realized I needed to readjust my perspective. I had to look at the doors that were opening and quit banging my head against those that were closed. My faith was being tested and I had exhausted myself.
After a whole moth ( maybe a bit more ), of self will, I had no choice but to surrender to what was. I let go of the big paying cleaning job. I began to set my sights on how to begin to build my business in this new city, as I continued to be immersed in Craig's List. I sent out reply after reply for a part time cleaning job, or a few weekly jobs I could piece together, or a caregiving position.
Nothing. Literally a couple of weeks ~ Nothing.
Then I get a response from a gentleman form India. The only response I receive. He is looking for a live-in housekeeper, but cannot pay me my going rate. At this point I am so desperate, I need to do something. We meet for an interview and a new relationship is forged.
I will call call this man Sunny. While he is in need of a live-in and though I had been looking for a live-in possibility until Byron arrived, I could not commit to this. I have worked for Sunny for a little over 2 weeks. We have had many negotiations about this position. He has great appreciation for me because I am conscious and present. Not only about how I do my work, but spiritually I am aligned with his culture. I have an understanding of the importance of the energies of service when caring for his home and preparing his food. I can relate to the desire to keep an environment harmonious and peaceful, orderly and sacred. He appreciates that while I can not give him the long term commitment he is seeking, that I communicate with awareness and honesty at each turn. He wants me to help him find someone like me.
For this job, I have been driving 1 to 2 hours each way, depending on traffic, 6 days a week, for 4-hours a day of work. Every rational thought says, just move in. For 2 weeks, I watched how I reacted in mind and body to each thought of moving in. Tension. My energy body would contract. At some moments I would feel ok about it, then the next moments, I felt trapped. Each concession he made to offer me more of a sense of freedom, I felt my freedom being squelched if I were to say yes. I tried to be present with my intuition.
Was I afraid for my safety? NO. Did I feel he was somehow different than what he represented?
NO. Can I even think of working for less money than I have worked in years? YES. I could come up with no rational reason to not make this move, when everything else in my life would be simplified.
Just a few days ago, we had another talk, not so much about my moving in, but more about how to find someone to fill my shoes if and when he felt he really needed someone living in the home. On my way 'home' to my cousins in Arcadia, once again sitting in traffic for almost 2 hours, I thought "OK. maybe I'll just stay there a night or two and see how it feels." I felt ok about that. Yet, I could feel when I was on the phone with Byron, my husband, that night, an agitation rising. I felt many stories rising riddled with anxiousness. 'I felt like a servant. I felt trapped. I felt that if I stayed at his home I will be a slave. I felt contracted, constricted and that my skills weren't being valued. I felt angry. I felt afraid.' I was getting in touch with a distant past. I was hearing the voice of someone in servitude, not out of choice and sacred service, but out of cultural/personal force. Every cell was trying to save itself from this destiny of servitude and was reacting to a lot in life, it didn't feel it deserved.
I was getting clearer and clearer. I was hearing the stories that weren't coming from this person's consciousness, but stories that have been carried and believed for who knows how long.
Yesterday, July 1, the day of the New Moon, I packed up some of my things to make a temporary move 'til my hubby comes. I felt anxiety and contraction. I felt the stories coming through as the energy of panic. I stayed present and recognized them for what they were.
I remained aware, that this gentleman from India has been the only response I have received in the tail end of this job search. Divine Perfection is at hand. I am not being afforded the pay that will keep me safe and stuck in order to avoid manifesting my 'dharma', so to speak. He understands and appreciates the consciousness I bring. He is kind. He is thoughtful about my space/time/needs. He is helping me be free of a past conditioning, of a past life. I am at choice. I do not have to be in reaction. I am as free as I want to be. I am not a servant, I am providing a service. He is also providing an income and a temporary home with no expenses. This situation is indeed setting me free from a bondage of servitude I have been re-enacting in this lifetime.
Were we together before? Were we in these roles or reversed? What is being worked out for him? I don't know the answers to these questions. What I know is that while I packed to come here yesterday, I received a call for a session tomorrow. I feel there will be a shift. I will now be free to move into my purpose and Sunny is a part of that soul healing.
I am learning how to cook yummy Indian food. We have morning walks at 6am. He is environmentally conscious. Today we will go to the Co-op in Santa Monica. I am in a modest, modern palace. Immaculate, elegant yet, functional and responsible. I am surrounded by statues of Krishna, Buddha, Confuscious, Ganesha, Isis and Hathor. Works of literature as well, as the Koran, the Bible and Tantra, line the bookshelves. The art of Salvador Dali is through out the house. On the fireplace is an alter with Angel candles. The windows are as tall as the house and last night I meditated perched at the top of the world, it seemed. While he is not Ayurvedic, per se, it is clearly integrated into his lifestyle via his culture. He is a man of few direct words and the house has a peaceful stillness. It is the closest to living in an ashram that I have come. It is not that he is particularly spiritual, but it is how I utilize my time here and how I can deepen in the environment I have been given. It is easy to remain in the consciousness of maintaining sacred space here.
This will only be temporary. And it is perfect for everything that I need at this time. I have a good amount of my own time and the time I need to see clients and resolve what is needed through my work for him.
I trust the next unfolding as this clearing takes place.
Karma . . . sometimes the answers are in the repeated details of our lives . . . what are your thoughts on your karmic patterns???
Peace~
