the force is with you

There was a time when, whatever I put my mind to doing, it became so. There was a time when the outcome I had intended manifested. There was a time that in a flash, I could move through the physical world creating just what I needed, seemingly immediately. Those days were of importance for my learning. I saw that I had the will, the direction and the 'end' point all wrapped up in one tidy package. I never thought twice that I could not do what I wanted and when I wanted! I learned to be self-reliant and self-directed and self-manifesting. When I felt the internal push or tug, I took action. I was aware of the Divine guiding me, however, I still thought I was the 'doer', that it was up to me to get 'it' done!

Somewhere along the line, something has changed in this equation. I feel I am in a phase where new lessons are being taught. The lessons are an extension of surrendering to the Divine. For me, this is the first time I feel called to surrender not only the upheavals or emotional transitions, those times when I can no longer do it on my own. But this is the learning of turning over my day to day life, to this Divine guiding Force! It makes every day magical and are living affirmations that all is in much larger hands than my own!

Relocating to Los Angeles has been full of magic and guidance. The Presence of being guided has been palpable and has brought about profound trust and faith in the day to day of life. This experience has been quite opposite of the learning of 'my' will to manifest.

From the get-go of this move, I have had an agenda, my vision of how things were to be. And from the get-go, I have been shown this has not been accurate. Of course I questioned my alignment, blocks, stories and beliefs. I even dipped into a period of doubting the existence of this Divine power. I entertained in depressed moments, that all I had been believing in, learning and experiencing all these years, had all been false and imagination. I had dropped into a brief dark night of the soul. The dark night became the turning point. Something within opened up to seeing differently and more clearly.

The Mystery was present in the dark night, it didn't rush to shine it's light brightly. Instead it peeled away the veils of blindness slowly, to illustrate that it's Presence had never left, it was only my seeing and expectations that had fooled me into thinking otherwise!

I cannot begin to enumerate each instance that the invisible hand has guided my husband and I into just the right place, circumstance and timing which have been perfect, and in which all our needs were met. Just one example to convey this amazing life:

Byron arrived here on a Friday in July and had his interview the next day, Saturday. On this same Friday I received a call from a friend, who had some friends, who needed a house/pet sitter at the last minute. We agreed we would meet with them on Saturday, though we didn't know where they lived, we would get directions on Saturday. After Byron's interview, we went to look at an apartment in Santa Monica, realizing that it would make things really difficult with only one car and the distance from the restaurant, which was in Silver Lake, off Sunset Blvd. Heading back toward 'home', we got our call to meet the family we were to sit for . . . lo & behold, they lived in Silver Lake, JUST above his new place of employment! This worked out so perfectly to relieve the stress of our mutual responsibilities, with one car in this vast city! But wait, this isn't the end of this example! Byron really had his hopes on one other restaurant, but had no way of knowing when that opportunity would arise. So we began apartment hunting in Silver Lake. He found out quickly that his new job was not feeling aligned, but also realized how much he was learning, so it would be good for as long as need be. Our housesit lasted a little over 1 week. Byron received a call and an interview from his job of choice 2 days before our housesit was completed. He did his first day of training just as our move out time, and now we have been guided to new permanent home not only by his new work place, but also, biking distance to one of the new studio's I will be working out of! This was not our choice either, but that is another story!!

This is the magic we are living in. This is the magic we are surrendering to. This is the Mystery we are finding a stronger faith in. It is not as much as itemizing our desire or intentions, but more that our deepest desires automatically flow through us. They emanate from our being, from who we are! I am finding there is less that I need to 'do' or think about or plan, I simply let go and witness the Divine putting things into place, in divine timing.

About 13 years ago I had a dog, Lotus. She was a mix of herding breeds. She often would use her thick body and butt to 'herd' or push and lean into the direction she wanted things to go, often times the object she pushed into was me! She was willful and strong, yet gentle, firm and sweet. Although this is an odd metaphor, this has been my recent palpable experience of the Divine guidance I have had the blessings to receive!

A strong, firm, yet gentle will, not of my own, has been using it's thick body and butt, to herd me into each perfect circumstance. As I mentioned, it took awhile to really see this was what was happening, but once I did and surrendered into being 'herded', it was clear that 'I' could never have maneuvered this process with such precision, as the example above illustrates.

Divine Grace has afforded me Her presence of guidance, which is not about 'my' will in the least.
This isn't to say that there isn't an awareness of this souls part that it is here to play and an active, intrinsic intention that is involved. It is more that at this phase, I am being called to let go even more fully into recognizing and trusting that I will be moved exactly to where, what, when and how things should unfold!

Each day brings a kind of adventure in the sense of "How will I be called into relationship with the Mystery today?" rather than, "This is my plan . . . for the day and this is how I will manifest it." What lies next to be done, makes itself known in the moment. It may be apartment hunting, scheduling a session or writing this blog. Within any of the above, there is a nudge, a force leaning into one thing or the other. I follow and trust it's outcome! Sometimes it's not so simple, however, I am recognizing more quickly when I am pushing back or resisting the guidance being given.

I have my part in relation to the Divine, I am a part of this Divine force, and there is a knowing far beyond mine of what is right and true for this journey. There is such joy and wonderment of this interplay these days. There is great gratitude and humbleness that I may rest in, as I/we are danced in this Divine dance! All I can do is give thanks when I remember the gifts showered at every moment!

I trust some of you know exactly what I mean or hope to inspire a new way of perceiving! We are all students and teachers along this Divine journey and I am blessed to be traveling it with all of you~

In Peaceful Surrender~

santosha continues ~

Happy Summer, which is in full swing! It seems like quite awhile since I have written here. Time is not very clear these days. It has been a swirling & whirling, with days and months sort of merging into each other. As noted in the Inner Journeys newsletter, there remains continued shifting in our transition to LA. I feel I have been here for about 6 months but the calendar reports only 3!

The practice of Santosha or contentment is the focus for this month. For me, it has certainly been the challenge brought to a head since this venture began. And from the responses and notes I received from the newsletter, this particular niyama/discipline spoke to many of you! Therefore, it seemed like the natural subject for this blog entry. Though so much can be written on all of these subjects, and are by the Maters, I can only bring to you a snippet of what I feel seems true in my life now. It is through each of our individual practice, that this will feel true to you or not, aligned or not, as our own experience informs us.

First, let's take a peek at what the Bhagavad Gita has to say. I am using the text "The Essence of the Bhagavad Gita" by Swami Kriyananda, who is a disciple of Paramahansa Yogananda, to bring more clarity to this practice.

The Gita says in passage's: 2:70 "Contentment is his who, like the ocean, calmly absorbs into himself all the rivers of desire. One (on the contrary) whose energy trickles outward is soon drained (of energy)."

2:71 "That person knows peace who, relinquishing all (energy-draining) desires, and fully satisfied with his state of desirelessness, no longer sees himself as a separate, individual ego."

Then later in 4:22 "He is free from karmic involvement who is contented with whatever comes to him uninvited; who is even-minded and untouched by duality; who is without envy, jealousy, and animosity; and who (finally) views success and failure with equanimity."

Clearly from these passages, we see that we are dealing with the pulls of desires, thoughts, wants, and beliefs of the attachments of our ego. This is the challenge of all of our spiritual processes and transformations. We may even notice that 'we' want to judge that ego aspect of ourselves as right or wrong. Notice the moment that happens, any sense of peace and contentment flies out of the window!

It is often easy to look upon these passages as being 'dry', boring or dull to think about desirelessness. Or to interpret contentment as stuck or acceptance of whatever comes our way, as being passive or uninvolved in our life. I have found for myself that to merely read the words is very different than to actually embrace the practice and find out what is really being expressed via experience.

Since moving to a new city, looking for work, putting energy into establishing Inner Journeys here in LA, seeking a place to live, staying with relatives and living out of my suitcase for 3 months, Life has offered plenty of opportunities for harnessing my thoughts, wants, excitements and disappointments! I have found this practice to be anything but dry and my desire to seek contentment grows.

Of course, I have an example to illustrate the practice of Santosha. For me it is imperative to become a witness, as soon as I notice I am off on my own trip. When I am clinging, resisting, creating waves of highs and lows. The practice of self-questioning brings aid in harnessing the attachment back into conscious awareness. This works for small things such as the parking ticket I got last week and not letting myself get carried away in excuses and berating. As quickly as possible, remember this is what is. What could I have done different? Take the time to read the sign more carefully. Next time, no doubt I will remember. The there are the larger things!

My tendency is to nest. I love being home, having my own space, routine, privacy, quietude and predictability. Lotus' plan for this adventure was, that I would be living with my incredibly generous relatives for maybe a month or so. My mind was prepared for this. I recognized the lessons this would enable me to learn in the interim and the opportunity to make life easier for those I live with while here. Being that this nesting, privacy, quietude etc is a strong tendency for me, even as I found acceptance for what was (short term), I still had attachments to wanting things, how I wanted them, especially as the time lengthened. I easily fell into the habit of obsessively searching Craigs List for possibilities, even though it was completely pre-mature! I would get excited (nervous system would go WEEE!) when I found something that seemed so right, only to be disappointed (nervous system goes BLAH) when it would not pan out! In the midst of the attached ego actions, I was completely missing what was.

The what was or what is, (3 months later) can be seen as God's will, not my will. And as we step back and look through a macro lens of the Universe, rather than from the micro lens of ego, we can more often than not recognize that there is most likely a reason things aren't going how 'I' want them to go, in the timing I want things to happen (which personally, is usually quickly!).

Looking at the passages above, I can humbly say, I was draining my energy with every desire for things to be different and for each fall into disappointment. It is this kind of desire, an egoic want, that becomes attached and clingy, that brings on our suffering.

Of course it is ok for me to have a desire for a place to call home. There is alignment in this for my person. For my constitution, it brings grounding, balance, peace of mind, and helps maintain health. However, this isn't what is present now. There was no contentment with the way I was holding life, as it was, and still is. My attitude about the situation is what has the power to bring about more instability than the circumstances themselves.

So, I had a choice. Continue to argue energetically with the reality presenting itself, or draw my energy back into center. This means, still myself, become quiet and breathe. Let go of my want for my own abode, for now. Accept that I am living out of my suitcase for a bit longer. Be receptive to God's will, because that is what is. Obviously my will isn't working. The footwork is done, but it isn't time.

I have found that when I am in the action mode of my doing, ie, constantly on Craigslist, obsessing on wanting an abode, and being unhappy that I don't have a my own home, my energy is not only being drained, but that the energy body is contracting like a kinked hose. The perception is microscopically focused on this attachment and the nervous system, breath and tension in the body follows suit. I can't see what is, I can only see what is NOT. And yet, in ego mode, it will keep trying what is NOT working, blind to a bigger purpose!

The taking the time to become still, quiet and breath is so powerful here. It is in those moments that we consciously practice surrendering to contentment. It is then that the kinked hose opens and the habit of willfulness is intercepted. Our breath can deepen, the mind can release what it is clinging to, the body can relax and our perception can expand to see a bigger picture. This is where Santosha/Contentment can enter in. We rest in a place of equanimity, present with what is and not needing anything to be different. When that contentment comes over us, we find a deep richness and whatever guidance needs to come through, whatever new steps need to be taken can be seen, from this open place of contentment and inner peace.

There is a reason for practice, as I have talked about before. It strengthens the muscle of that discipline or action. We gain wisdom from the experience it brings. And each time we are faced with another round of the challenge, we widdle away that habitual tendency.

I don't by any means have this one mastered yet, as Byron and I are still appreciating the hospitality of family. But just the power of awareness itself quickens the process. Although I have to keep reminding myself when my attachment creeps in and the desire for control of the situation makes itself known, I trust that this time, I won't look back regretting that I missed the gifts and blessings of this time because of resistance to Life's reality!

I feel I have been graced with many freedoms and contentment on a smaller scale since arriving in LA. I can honestly say that I have tasted the some of the reality spoken of above in the Gita passages. I say graced, specifically, because, I can't take responsibility for them. I feel that I was given the opportunity to feel and be enveloped by the quality of Santosha in the midst of uninvited circumstances simply by being open to this lesson. Spirit is always with us, guiding and blessing us. It is a matter of our being open enough and in the place of acceptance to feel the shower of blessings that rain down.

I know that my understanding will continue to deepen and expand as time goes on through this discipline. Just as all of our lessons, they evolve and change over time. We are given just what we need to deepen our wisdom and connection with God. For this I am forever grateful and to all of you who help me along the way! May we all continue to blossom on the journey together!

Jai Maa!