coming home within

Returning, is a humbleness settling into the bones once again.
A stream of joy and freedom has been carrying me along through new beginnings.
And as the waves on the ocean rise and fall, ebb and flow, humbleness is present in which to look more closely within.  Sometimes there is an occurrence which initiates the state of humility. Other times it's a natural balance to the phase prior.  Either way, I've learned to really relish it's solitude.

During times when life offers us grist for the mill, though not pleasant to our senses or ego, our depth and Soul can flourish. It's in the ceasing to fight and resist that which is painful, that we can learn to be embraced by the polishing of the pearl.

Art by Teresa Dunwell

As this year is winding to a close, I'm reflecting on it as THE year of learning to love myself. It has been riddled with emotional shocks to my system. This last year started off with a bang of staring in the face of being  misunderstood, rejected, and disdained, from one whom I had at felt somewhat respected by. The circumstances felt quite dramatic. I felt like I was being slapped in the face repeatedly, which seemed to be necessary in order to come into direct contact with the stories cycloning around my internal landscape. 

Towards the end of the 3 month turmoil, after coming home to myself, within myself, holding myself, over and over,  I was able to really to hold all the realizations being unveiled. I was able to stand with humility of what part I played to attract the situation, the confidence to release what I didn't need to take on as mine, and the strength to fully grock that for the first time, I didn't need to be understood by any one outside of myself.  

I felt initiated into qualities of maturity and wisdom. I felt transfixed by how much love and compassion I gained for my own being, past and present. I recognized the power of forgiveness in the midst of my pain and the pain of others. And I felt a freedom in seeing how this chapter had to unfold in just this way, in order to lift me into both new heights of clear seeing and deepen me into stronger roots.

By remaining present and diligent to what is really happening when we are thrown into inner storms we can indeed receive the return of the sun in all it's glory. If we choose to run, numb, or avoid getting to the roots of dark times when they envelope us, I believe we opt out of realizing how capable, resilient, and wise we are. It is often those times which shake us to our knees emotionally and make us kneel in the dirt so we can dig for the gold beneath the surface, that help us to be the integrated, truly compassionate & loving beings we are.

"Time out or time off is not the same as returning 'home.'

Calmness is not the same as solitude."  Clarissa Pinkola-Estes

Returning again and again to places within which allow us to be in our own solitary presence, energy, and quietude, we are able to fully be embraced by our lessons so we return topside, embodied by new truths!  

Blessings Along Your Journey ~ Lotus

"what is Right & True?"

There is a question that I always ask to check-in with myself.  'What is Right & True?' In any given situation this answer may not necessarily be what is expected. What is right and true for me has been more about surrendering my ideas or preferences to something bigger, than formulating any intellectual holds via right and wrong. 

When I have found myself in the throes of Right and True, it is seen to be beyond morals and values, as well as encompassing both the personal and impersonal. When we bring the action of non-preference into the mix it becomes a powerful dance of transformation.

In the last year I was living within a commitment I made and felt strongly about keeping. However, the reality of the situation was more stressful than anticipated for my internal terrain. The worst aspects of me came to life, albeit in my own private world. When I went to a friend for advice, he gave me some really valuable feedback. And his view that it was time to leave made perfect, logical sense. Yet, when would I check within, "What is right and true for this situation?" The inner voice continued to come through with, "Stay." 

This was in no way, shape or form my preference. And this was no fault of the circumstances, it was all resting on my own inner edges. Although I wasn't clear on the 'why' I should stay, I also understood that sometimes things change, and I wanted it to make sense that it was time for me to let go. Knowing that the tide often shifts and commitments, though we may believe on the surface they should be written in stone, in a vaster reality, the 'right and true' of the moment may dictate something else. However, this wasn't the truth for me at this time. So, I listened within. Staying was the guidance. To some it may have appeared masochistic, yet when I weighed it out with the question, it felt, well, right and true.

"The Truth is the only thing you'll ever run into that has no agenda." 

Adyashanti

Decisions can sometimes be muddled when they are approached from preferences, levels of comfort, or desires. This isn't to say that if something feels destructive, we should torment ourselves. AND there may also be times when there is more happening than meets the eye, even if it looks a little crazy! This is an example of each person's path holding a very unique way of traveling and learning. When we let go of the black and white, the wrong and right, we see each moment offering what is perfect. Perfection does not equal comfort.

When I seek inner guidance through the question of what is right and true, I find it is easier to recognize attachments, fears, control issues, resistance, or pain I am bringing on through my stories, regarding what I am wanting or not wanting.  During this particular period of time, the pearls of wisdom I found was a maturity that sprung from deep sacrifice and a finely tuned integrity.

Although many inner uglies emerged (and released) which I wasn't proud of, I also found myself in moments of elation.  There was a soulful recognition of the transformation happening within as I grew and viscerally experienced my own inner stretching into a much more solid person. There was a pearl that was cultivated in the friction of life at this time.

I invite you to join me in allowing this question, "What is right and true?" to be a resting place to clear away the muddle, to return to when the time for change may be surfacing, and when you need to see beyond your limited self.

In Deep Peace ~

joyfully aligning

I am joyful. I am aligned.
I am joyful. I am aligned.
I am joyful. I am aligned.

Bobbing in the warm tub on this cloudy day, or resting in the Primal Waters of the Great Mother, I hear the voice of joy and alignment sing forth. It is a song of Soul. This knowing doesn't come from the mind or even from a want.  It is a reality that is, and is letting itself be heard by heart-ears that are ready to hear. A truth that has barely been experienced through the cracking armor. I have caught glimpses of this new becoming within, and yet recognize there are shards of hardness protecting the vulnerable, raw inner skin. But now I am told this is what is here to hold.

The necessity of space and time in which to bring all my energies back into this center has not been available for over a year. There has been a requirement for threads of my awareness and life force to remain tethered to others outside my being. It was what was called for. Those life teachings have been perfect and deep, and simultaneously, an inner nourishing to the core has been neglected in that sacrifice. 

And now, as weeks fall together, I am coming home. A new spring in the step is appropriately emerging with the Spring. This Soul knows before this personality the true state within. It is communicated in the stillness and silence of the nourishing waters. As the song of joyful alignment is sung forth, I say, "Yes. It is true. I do feel it. Thank you for sharing what it was time to see."

There is always much wonderment in the hidden language within, when it is revealed. I feel like a child in its presence, full of awe and gratitude, over and over and over again. It never gets old or mundane. It only grows the trust and faith of the Guidance that is always within!

the body always knows

I step out of alignment in my life . . . my legs tense
I hold back my words . . . the lymph in neck stagnate
I give out more than I receive . . . my mood contracts into irritation and depletion
I try to control and resist what is present. . . the shoulder and neck stiffen
I disrespect my truth and sacredness . . . my pelvis feels inflamed

Do not be fooled, the body always knows when we are betraying our truth!

"When one is pretending, the entire body revolts."

Anais Nin

This is not to say that the body doesn't suffer serious maladies which carry such symptoms, yet I fully believe that the serious maladies are impacted by choices that dishonor our truth, purpose, and passions.  The body teaches us, but only when we become a student ready to receive it's messages.

Embrace the voice of Soul which speaks to us through our physical form.  As we align with our inner song, we may find the prompt to release pieces of life we have become accustomed to.  Perhaps they no longer nourish our depths and inspire us to grow into our next phase of being?  Listen & Know!

art ~ Rhonda Gray

As women, our bodies are receptive, intuitive, creative, spacious, and are fine-tuned to feel deeply. There is a sacred embodiment that we are here to hold. Our Wholyness calls upon us to listen to the inner shifts of the body.

The invitation is extended . . .

what are you feeling within?

what are you believing?

what are you transforming?

"Re-examine all you have been told. Dismiss what insults your Soul."

Walt Whitman

it is She

Artist Pamela Matthews

There is a language which rumbles from within . . .

   It is She

There is a song the heart sings . . .

   For Her

There are waves of undulations through the body & mind . . .

                      Which She compels

She pitter-patters the heart

She turns the thoughts toward . . .

            Her wonder

She breaks the illusions of our comfort

So we may be illuminated . . .

               In Her grasp

She is Bliss & Love

She is Birth, Death & Rebirth

soul gifts

New Year Blessings as we move into 2013 ~

What an amazing year it has been! 

What I love best about time markers such as New Year's and Birthdays, is the prompting of reflection that covers a span of time. It is the opportunity to peer through the hindsight visioning, recognize patterns, quietly receive the 'what is', and consciously open to the 'what may be.'

Rev.Shiloh McCloud

Throughout the year, there is inquiry, visioning, intentioning, and sometimes re-visioning. There is the time of action and the time of surrendering. I revel in both the blessings of the underworld, as well as the flights of the heights! This is simply my life, the way I tick, the way I roll, the way I am moved, what moves me and the cycles this ones Soul calls for. She sings the songs of her blessings and I am entranced by the melody.  I follow and am led into what brings this being into Wholy-ness.

2012 has been a one of the best rides in years. It has been a ride that has called me out into the world more fully than can be remembered in, well . . . a very long time! I have so much gratitude that my husband and I picked up and made a new home of Los Angeles.  Because we listened to the inner voices, the knowing, and didn't pay heed to the stories of fear, scarcity, judgements and doubts, we have been led on an adventure! Irony has been a buzz word for me, especially the last six months, and honestly, LA is one of the biggest irony's I have experienced.  LA was one of those, "We would never . . ." To that one could say, "They doth protest too much:" But alas, the Soul knows!

The beauty of eating our words, is that we have devoured the old voices so we can speak with a new truth. We absolutely love LA! We have been as surprised as anyone else who knows us. Yet it has been an amazing lesson in how many times we can feel so sure of something from one perception, and from another vantage point it may be a blindspot. We feel such a sense of expansion here.  The creative energy is palpable. It holds life of all kinds, to every scale of highs and lows. The ocean, the flowers, the buzz of dreams, the hub of our cultures entertainment, the history of all who paved the way and blew our minds.

 I Love LA ~ Randy Newman  We are indeed still newbies, so we don't even mind the traffic ~yet!  I am reminded almost daily of Randy Newman's song, (which I never really liked) "I Love LA" as I drive down the streets, the wind blowing through my hair . . . Oh! Wait, I am not really riding in that convertible, but the grin is ear to ear, singing the chorus all the same! For me, I have been surprised to realize that I feel more at home here in a way I haven't before, even my 20 years in the much adored city of Portland, Oregon.

There is so much candy for ego needing, doing, proving here. Fancies can be tickled in every direction. It ignites fires and imagination. It also smolders and burns for some. This city, the Universe and our trust has taken such good care of us this year. Every twist and turn has been perfection, which does not indicate getting exactly what is wanted, but being hyper aware we have received just what was needed. There is nothing that could have been planned more perfectly for our personal growth and spiritual evolution. 

Though my belief has been solid for a long time, I have become more and more convinced and connected to the guidance of Soul.  It is a wonderment to me! For me each new recognition of this perfection (especially after I have felt bewildered and lost), of how the necessary gift for deeper knowing has been provided.  This sparkles and glitters in my eyes.  The fire of learning becomes radiance from this heart. The eventual surrender becomes the wings of grace that lift me again into a new Self.  

We have been blessed without a doubt. And it is wrong to assume that blessing always means easy. That is just like saying, love is always sweet. These blessings have been rained down as both water and fire. Each has their own purification properties. That which flies high eventually must come in for a landing. And to each I hold up gratitude, to Spirit, to Soul. 

As I release 2012, I will carry as it's gifts: The celebration of dreams into life. A maturity I would have never have known without a prolonged sacrifice of my personal 'comfort.' An integrity from honing responsibilities that weren't 'desired.'  Deep compassion from the eventual healing of deep judgements.  The humbling in the presence of others vulnerabilities and vice verse. The grounding that results from too much energy and too little form. The honor, respect and love that expands in a spiritual marriage of opposites, in tight quarters. The sharing and learning when meeting kindred spirits in the least expected places.  There are most assuredly more transformations percolating, however, their prime will be known perhaps as 2013 closes!

I lay myself more open as I enter 2013. The Trust and Faith of the Souls song, that has been experienced has shown me I can rely on it's intelligence, care, and guidance. These are not mere feelings or concepts to me, but qualities that are very alive within. I offer myself into these arms. This is a relationship, sacred and committed.  I do my part and know that I can hold space for the gifts offered.  I came in for a landing a couple of months ago, thankfully.  This winter has been a season of quietude, prayer and meditation. Tonight, New Year's Eve, will follow suit.  The new year will most certainly be ushered in while I float adrift in dream land.

I wish for you all the perfect 2013, the perfect routes for your hearts loving, for your expansion of consciousness, for your the divine flights, and for your Souls healing, deepening and integration.

Peaceful Blessings~
Lotus

the tapping of Angels

A Visit from Wisdom

an excerpt from Kahil Gibran

In the stillness of night Wisdom came and stood
by my bed. She gazed upon me like a tender mother
and wiped away my tears, and said : "I have heard
the cry of your spirit and I am come to comfort it.
Open your heart to me and I shall fill it with light.
Ask of me and I shall show you the way of truth."

There was the first time she was aware of the gentle feather-like hand resting on heart.  Her mind was a buzz with questions, apprehension.  Slowly though, the mind quieted with a Shhh,  and all her attention settled in her heart beat, then her breath, and soon she was in the place of not really awake and not really asleep.  Upon 'waking', a lightness self remained.

This was the first though certainly not to be the last visit. She could never predict nor could she invite in the presence of the feather-like hands. Yet, as she honed her inner listening, she could hear the beckoning.  Into the inner sanctuary she would drop, resting into the in-between.  She would receive, with wonderment and gratitude. 

There is a tapping at her heart when it begins to go astray.  The tapping calls to her from within.  She knows it well.  It is a welling up of reminders that the jewel she truly seeks is within.  That she must rest in the within to remain whole in the without.  She is one of our times Modern Mystics, Urban Shamans, an Illuminating Priestess. 

She heeds the tapping and returns into the sacred sanctuary of her heart, into sacred space and surrenders.Some experience the presence of angels, some feel the guidance is of the elder's. Others experience the dancing of devi's.  It is in the surrendering, that those 'guides' that can't be seen by our mortal eyes, enter into her sight and into her heart. They bring a healing that only they can gift. They clear her lens of true seeing.  They usher her on journeys that leave only a vague resonance. They whisper wisdom that lodges beneath the mind. She sees them gathered around her, she receives their healing touch, she hears their melodies, she feels her heart burst.  There are blessings delivered, and yet, just when they are integrated into her deep knowing, is often a mystery even to her.

 She does not go into the world alone.  She does not bring her gifts of her own accord only. They do not come from her. She is simply a carrier of the Mysteries, guided, purified and lifted with much help from the unseen worlds.

Her message for all, is that whether we know or not, believe or not, none of us are alone. We are supported, guided, receive healing and blessings from hands we may not feel and from beings we not see.  Drop into the silence of the heart and you may begin to know.


Blessings on Your Journey ~