it is She

Artist Pamela Matthews

There is a language which rumbles from within . . .

   It is She

There is a song the heart sings . . .

   For Her

There are waves of undulations through the body & mind . . .

                      Which She compels

She pitter-patters the heart

She turns the thoughts toward . . .

            Her wonder

She breaks the illusions of our comfort

So we may be illuminated . . .

               In Her grasp

She is Bliss & Love

She is Birth, Death & Rebirth

soul gifts

New Year Blessings as we move into 2013 ~

What an amazing year it has been! 

What I love best about time markers such as New Year's and Birthdays, is the prompting of reflection that covers a span of time. It is the opportunity to peer through the hindsight visioning, recognize patterns, quietly receive the 'what is', and consciously open to the 'what may be.'

Rev.Shiloh McCloud

Throughout the year, there is inquiry, visioning, intentioning, and sometimes re-visioning. There is the time of action and the time of surrendering. I revel in both the blessings of the underworld, as well as the flights of the heights! This is simply my life, the way I tick, the way I roll, the way I am moved, what moves me and the cycles this ones Soul calls for. She sings the songs of her blessings and I am entranced by the melody.  I follow and am led into what brings this being into Wholy-ness.

2012 has been a one of the best rides in years. It has been a ride that has called me out into the world more fully than can be remembered in, well . . . a very long time! I have so much gratitude that my husband and I picked up and made a new home of Los Angeles.  Because we listened to the inner voices, the knowing, and didn't pay heed to the stories of fear, scarcity, judgements and doubts, we have been led on an adventure! Irony has been a buzz word for me, especially the last six months, and honestly, LA is one of the biggest irony's I have experienced.  LA was one of those, "We would never . . ." To that one could say, "They doth protest too much:" But alas, the Soul knows!

The beauty of eating our words, is that we have devoured the old voices so we can speak with a new truth. We absolutely love LA! We have been as surprised as anyone else who knows us. Yet it has been an amazing lesson in how many times we can feel so sure of something from one perception, and from another vantage point it may be a blindspot. We feel such a sense of expansion here.  The creative energy is palpable. It holds life of all kinds, to every scale of highs and lows. The ocean, the flowers, the buzz of dreams, the hub of our cultures entertainment, the history of all who paved the way and blew our minds.

 I Love LA ~ Randy Newman  We are indeed still newbies, so we don't even mind the traffic ~yet!  I am reminded almost daily of Randy Newman's song, (which I never really liked) "I Love LA" as I drive down the streets, the wind blowing through my hair . . . Oh! Wait, I am not really riding in that convertible, but the grin is ear to ear, singing the chorus all the same! For me, I have been surprised to realize that I feel more at home here in a way I haven't before, even my 20 years in the much adored city of Portland, Oregon.

There is so much candy for ego needing, doing, proving here. Fancies can be tickled in every direction. It ignites fires and imagination. It also smolders and burns for some. This city, the Universe and our trust has taken such good care of us this year. Every twist and turn has been perfection, which does not indicate getting exactly what is wanted, but being hyper aware we have received just what was needed. There is nothing that could have been planned more perfectly for our personal growth and spiritual evolution. 

Though my belief has been solid for a long time, I have become more and more convinced and connected to the guidance of Soul.  It is a wonderment to me! For me each new recognition of this perfection (especially after I have felt bewildered and lost), of how the necessary gift for deeper knowing has been provided.  This sparkles and glitters in my eyes.  The fire of learning becomes radiance from this heart. The eventual surrender becomes the wings of grace that lift me again into a new Self.  

We have been blessed without a doubt. And it is wrong to assume that blessing always means easy. That is just like saying, love is always sweet. These blessings have been rained down as both water and fire. Each has their own purification properties. That which flies high eventually must come in for a landing. And to each I hold up gratitude, to Spirit, to Soul. 

As I release 2012, I will carry as it's gifts: The celebration of dreams into life. A maturity I would have never have known without a prolonged sacrifice of my personal 'comfort.' An integrity from honing responsibilities that weren't 'desired.'  Deep compassion from the eventual healing of deep judgements.  The humbling in the presence of others vulnerabilities and vice verse. The grounding that results from too much energy and too little form. The honor, respect and love that expands in a spiritual marriage of opposites, in tight quarters. The sharing and learning when meeting kindred spirits in the least expected places.  There are most assuredly more transformations percolating, however, their prime will be known perhaps as 2013 closes!

I lay myself more open as I enter 2013. The Trust and Faith of the Souls song, that has been experienced has shown me I can rely on it's intelligence, care, and guidance. These are not mere feelings or concepts to me, but qualities that are very alive within. I offer myself into these arms. This is a relationship, sacred and committed.  I do my part and know that I can hold space for the gifts offered.  I came in for a landing a couple of months ago, thankfully.  This winter has been a season of quietude, prayer and meditation. Tonight, New Year's Eve, will follow suit.  The new year will most certainly be ushered in while I float adrift in dream land.

I wish for you all the perfect 2013, the perfect routes for your hearts loving, for your expansion of consciousness, for your the divine flights, and for your Souls healing, deepening and integration.

Peaceful Blessings~
Lotus

the tapping of Angels

A Visit from Wisdom

an excerpt from Kahil Gibran

In the stillness of night Wisdom came and stood
by my bed. She gazed upon me like a tender mother
and wiped away my tears, and said : "I have heard
the cry of your spirit and I am come to comfort it.
Open your heart to me and I shall fill it with light.
Ask of me and I shall show you the way of truth."

There was the first time she was aware of the gentle feather-like hand resting on heart.  Her mind was a buzz with questions, apprehension.  Slowly though, the mind quieted with a Shhh,  and all her attention settled in her heart beat, then her breath, and soon she was in the place of not really awake and not really asleep.  Upon 'waking', a lightness self remained.

This was the first though certainly not to be the last visit. She could never predict nor could she invite in the presence of the feather-like hands. Yet, as she honed her inner listening, she could hear the beckoning.  Into the inner sanctuary she would drop, resting into the in-between.  She would receive, with wonderment and gratitude. 

There is a tapping at her heart when it begins to go astray.  The tapping calls to her from within.  She knows it well.  It is a welling up of reminders that the jewel she truly seeks is within.  That she must rest in the within to remain whole in the without.  She is one of our times Modern Mystics, Urban Shamans, an Illuminating Priestess. 

She heeds the tapping and returns into the sacred sanctuary of her heart, into sacred space and surrenders.Some experience the presence of angels, some feel the guidance is of the elder's. Others experience the dancing of devi's.  It is in the surrendering, that those 'guides' that can't be seen by our mortal eyes, enter into her sight and into her heart. They bring a healing that only they can gift. They clear her lens of true seeing.  They usher her on journeys that leave only a vague resonance. They whisper wisdom that lodges beneath the mind. She sees them gathered around her, she receives their healing touch, she hears their melodies, she feels her heart burst.  There are blessings delivered, and yet, just when they are integrated into her deep knowing, is often a mystery even to her.

 She does not go into the world alone.  She does not bring her gifts of her own accord only. They do not come from her. She is simply a carrier of the Mysteries, guided, purified and lifted with much help from the unseen worlds.

Her message for all, is that whether we know or not, believe or not, none of us are alone. We are supported, guided, receive healing and blessings from hands we may not feel and from beings we not see.  Drop into the silence of the heart and you may begin to know.


Blessings on Your Journey ~

off with the blindfolds!

Do not be so alarmed by the vision of fright when the Dark Goddess descends on your light!
She is here to strip off the blindfolds of our own darkness, awaken us from our slumber. When we can relate to Her presence as a blessing and to our journey, even if it holds pain, as an adventure, we are never in complete darkness.

"Her act of fierceness is a mystic metaphor for relentlessly giving up the superficial."

 Yogini Shambhavi

She is present to dismantle the traps of the lower mind, its ego attachments, and the ways in which our life holds us captive in darkness and illusion. The illusion is that we even don't know we're in the dark! Yes, this is frightening to the parts of us who resist awakening to our own bright light of Inner Divine.  However, once it is recognized that She is here to love us, care for us and nourish us, in ways the world cannot; once this is known in the heart, Her blessings fill us from within.

Reflect back in time to that child that was you. The growing pains in your body, the aches that may have brought tears, the physical form literally re-forming through growth spurts. Growth is rarely comfortable.  Change brings challenge!  Then see your first love, followed by your first heartache. The pain of an innocent heart opened so big, to allow another so close.  But it is that love and it's pain that became a teacher for your future, for your character, for your path of becoming.  These changes in your being, are part of life's journey.
With each new life, new you, an old passes away.  There was fear, pain, but they cannot be separated from the inherent joy and continual re-birthing.

The Mother of destruction, is also the Mother of birth. The Mother of dark is the Mother of light.  We live in a plane of polarity and one will not exist without the other. It is only the mind, what the mind has been taught to believe, that labels one 'good' and one 'bad.'

When the Soul begins to stir, when it begins to long for the Unknown, when it begins to weep for that hole within to be filled, we can be assured, if we continue to stay present with its ache, it will lead us to the Divine.  For some this may be through Jesus, others Buddha, and others the Divine Mother.  Her presence pre-dates the others, yet, She still remains the most frightening, particularly in her destruction mode.

The Mother has been split, dissected, fragmented from her Whole of being.  She is alive in the air we breath, the water of our rivers are the streams of blood in our veins.  The soil and rock of Her Earth is the skeletal foundation of our bodies.  She is propeller of our growth from physical to Soul.  She is the light and the dark, the inner and the outer.  She is creation, but she is also destruction.  We can not have one without the other.  

All of life is this dance of cycles, 

death ~ 

birth ~ 

death ~ birth.  

We live this cycle unconsciously. Our cells are dying and regenerating daily. 
We live a life that is in the process of dying.  
New opportunities are created, while the old outworn aspects of life are transformed ~ Through the new.

Often, we feel forced into changes, usually by circumstances. Too many of us can be rooted in stagnation of movement. We bemoan and wonder, "Why did this person need to leave?  How could this tragedy have happened to me? What will happen to me now that I have lost this?" If we are rooted in stagnation, we will miss the signs pointing, "This way to your new life! Your Joy returns Here! Deeper wisdom over there! Greater freedom right here, right now!"

The Mother says to us in our hearts, if only we listen, "My Child. Do not fret nor worry. All things pass away in their due time! We must make room for the new joys to come.  We must shed like a snake the out-worn skin, for it is time to don the new beautiful costume of your next expression of being!  Take heart, take shelter that the dark is simply to strengthen your Light.  Your pain is necessary to know your Love.  Your longing is to help you realize, that what you seek is not found in the mortal world. What you seek is the Wholeness and Truth found within, the beauty of your own Being, forever connected to God, to the Mother. Once you know this, your hole will be healed!"

The journey is long for some, arduous for many. Particularly if we are blind to 'something bigger' or in the big sleep thinking we are awake! The struggle is to awaken beyond the forms of this world believed as truth, to continually awaken from the roles we each play, mistaking them for who we are and releasing the stories we live out, convincing us of this limited reality.

She that comes as darkness, baring teeth and growls, is our ally, She does battle on our behalf. She is ready to strip of us our blindfolds, ready or not! As the darkness is ripped away, we See! Sometimes this new sight is gradual, sometimes it is brilliant and all at once! She knows what is needed, what our heart need to open to a higher love, and what trials we must persevere to make this so.

So, take heed, have faith, be courageous and resilient! Don't turn away in blind fear, explore with the heart and let Her love awaken within. There refuge can be taken to the journey within!

Jai Kali Ma!

collapse into Her

The rising consciousness of the Divine Feminine is being witnessed in snippets and in avalanches, depending on where one looks.  The growth of yoga, which has now permeated mainstream brings many who may not otherwise have been introduced to this 'concept', into it's fold.  And while this gentle awakening is occurring, there is still room to note how programmed our consciousness is towards the masculine in the way the majority of us live our lives.

I personally, will be the first to admit that I am a pretty Yang kinda gal. My constitution is pretty airy/mental and firey/intense and driven.  At one time I relished this in myself. I felt efficient and in control. And then, it stopped working for me or making sense to me. I realized I could use all the watery-ness I get! In the past and sometimes recently, the tendency has been to be nabbed by the Mother or to collapse into Her, because I had worn myself out. I am, however, pleased to say this has been in process of changing for quite some time.  As I release more of the overt drive and allow myself to feel the embrace of the Feminine, I allow myself to be transformed.

As this transition takes place, when the body, mind and heart soften, the qualities that come with that spaciousness take root. Compassion grows more easily. The need to prove, control and multi-task lessens.  The desire to please the expectations of a Super Woman mind-set vanishes.  It is only after the deeper settling, rejuvenating and trusting in the Sacred Flow of Life, can I see more clearly how to remain in Her flow more consciously.

One of the problems with intending to move through life in a more graceful, calmer way, is that this doesn't always go over too grandly with the vast majority.  Yet, this upset brought on by a slower, calmer, more fluidly chaotic, yet present way of being is proof of our masculine programming that we as women have taken on.  Today as I was in morning traffic, it was two women honking and yelling at the car ahead of them. These cars had absolutely nowhere to move. The impatience and anger that is only too alive and well, is a clear path of killing ourselves slowly. This is simply an everyday occurrence in any city, the reactions of both men and women, because our society is revved to the 9's in tension and unhealthy contraction.

The sadness is, that as women have adopted these roles to match our counter-part, to 'make it' in a man's world, we have lost our ability to be a source of balance, nourishment and nurturing that is so badly needed.  We lose our ability to reflect these qualities back to one another.  Even those of us who try so hard to be on a balanced path fall prey too easily once we leave the yoga class or leave the bliss of the massage table.  Many turn to the escape of the computer, FB, Twitter, etc. and see this as a vehicle for relaxation.  However, we are still engaging in a doing mode, we are not emptying out or nurturing ourselves.  We are simply distracting ourselves for the time being and not connecting to our deeper heart or Soul. 

It seems that if we are really to be able to shift the larger paradigm, we women must strive to find the moments of 'coming down' from the masculine high.  What is called for is the need to go within, dive within.  We need to find that ability to roll around and luxuriate in moments of non-doing, emptiness, quietude, our own sweetness.  Find the bliss of bubble baths, soothing music, or sitting under a favorite tree . . . without something that needs to be done in X amount of time.  

This shift begins with each of us as we find the courage to say 'no' to the paradigm that is non-sustainable to the wellness and Wholy-ness of our being.  I have found this to be a challenge myself, especially if I have been on a binge of proving, controlling, doing.  Think about how that mode of life feels in your body.  I know for me, I feel the chemicals coursing through my blood and brain.  It's like a drug! And it takes awhile to come down.  There was a time when it took a conscious effort to remind myself that it was OK to simply be quiet, be still and take care of myself, without feeling guilty.  I am so happy to say that old guilt has pretty much gone out the window! When I fall into this less familiar tendency these days, I can't wait to hit the cloud of 'beingness'. Increase my practice, soothe myself with some of my favorite music and gaze out the window ~ FOR HOURS OF COMPLETE EMPTINESS.  IT IS HEAVENLY!

Go ahead! Collapse into Her arms, Her embrace.

Allow the unsettling of letting go of the known.

Release the mind as you dive into the cavern of the heart.

Commit to the softening waves She send forth as you open to Her!

It is then I can be more present and open hearted with those close to me or those I encounter. It is in this re-newed balance that my creativity peaks.  It is in this spaciousness I am clearer about how important it is to treat myself with love and gentleness.  It is in this softness I am a better wife and friend.  It is once I have let go of going, doing, striving, that I know the connection to the Sacred within, in all of Life, and re-commit to strengthening that aspect.  It is in that reconnection, re-commitment, that my Trust and Faith increases. I am reminded I am truly not the one in control.  It is in this re-newing that my awareness and knowing takes another leap that the Divine Feminine is indeed alive and is tapping on many of our shoulders, calling us to Wake-Up.  Do our do consciously, gracefully, sometimes fiercely, and then LET GO and ride Her waves!

It is true we live a dance of the masculine and feminine. I stress the feminine side, the internal side, the dark side, the intuitive side and the Feminine fierce side of life because this is the road less traveled for most.  It is a path of riches, wisdom, beauty and peace.  It is too often turned away from because we like feeling revved. The rev is how we have come to define being alive.  But alas, the Divine Feminine teaches us of the Mystery life which is necessary to truly be Wholy enlivened!

Blessings on the path of the Divine Feminine!

Hear the Divine sing

Feel Her dance 

Be embraced by Her love

Through you ~

But first, one must drop within & surrender,

 in order to receive ~

Jai Ma!

blood flow blessings

October is here. Fall is here. Transition is here. My blood flow is here.      Somehow these all feel very intertwined for me at this juncture, though I am not sure why.  Perhaps it is that the inner pull of menstruation feels amplified, as we have entered the season of shedding. 

In my younger years, my cycles were very irregular.  I feel much of that was due to a very emotionally stressful life and other 'bad' habits that filled my days and nights.  I never felt very in-tune with that aspect of my body.  I have a close friend, who in our early 30's she complained about the strong desire to hide away from the world when her flow began and did not want to be around the male race.  Another friend endured cramps that had her in bed and in pain. Other friends experienced the 'big meanies' when PMS set in.  I on the other hand, had very few physical symptoms and since I was pretty moody to begin with, I only noticed a slight building in the moods ~ though my partners may have another version of that story!

It never occurred to me that there was a whole relationship to be cultivated with 'that time of the month', until I hit my 40's.  As my life became more balanced, my cycle followed suite. My sensitivity began increasing. My body began feeling. My moods were recognized more acutely sharpened.  Though on one hand, I wasn't pleased with the on-set of cramps, along with the tenderness, some water retention, and the eruptions screaming to come to the surface, something in my began to deepen.

I stumbled onto books, stories, hints of a new way to be with the time of bleeding, of cleansing.  There is a realness that I get in touch with when I bleed.  When I allow the time, I can feel that my mind isn't interested in 'thinking' or my personality is not interested in 'doing'.  Over the years, I do my best to heed the call to the inner.  What used to be called 'the curse' by some, is more of a blessing.  There is a natural quietude that settles in.  I feel like I can communicate more authentically, that I can remain more grounded, humble, reflective and receive guidance.

For me, when the river of blood runs, I appreciate the gentleness of being.  It has become painful when I see tampon ads and commercials with messages of disconnect from this time of honoring a deeper part of our woman-hood.  Instead of a time of rest, which allows the body to truly cleanse and balance, we are taught to continue on through our moon-time, as if it is only the sun-time which is important.

According to Ayurveda and Bri. Maya Tiwari in 'A Path of Practice,' "all disorders relating to the womb - premature puberty, irregular menstrual flow, premenstrual syndrome, infertility, vaginal infections, reproductive organ cancers are linked to the monthly cycle. As much as possible you should slow your pace, reduce activities so that your body receives the least degree of stress." She shares beautiful practices to align with the rhythm of the moon, gradually bringing our time of flow to coincide with the full moon.

It took me a long time to realize the value of bleeding.  Today the gifts of this inner connection sent me clear messages of diet change, an odd choice of tea to drink, and the reminder that the puzzlement of my thoughts keep me from 'doing' too much! Yet on the other side of that coin, I love to share when I am dropped into my core. I appreciate the realness from this place.  So I follow the musings that show themselves.  And like the fall, see more and more that needs to shed, to be transmuted.  I am grateful to the space I have learned to create for my self, nurturing, reflection and deeper listening. 

And now, some music, tea, and maybe a mid-morning  nap ~

Blessings ~