the force is with you

There was a time when, whatever I put my mind to doing, it became so. There was a time when the outcome I had intended manifested. There was a time that in a flash, I could move through the physical world creating just what I needed, seemingly immediately. Those days were of importance for my learning. I saw that I had the will, the direction and the 'end' point all wrapped up in one tidy package. I never thought twice that I could not do what I wanted and when I wanted! I learned to be self-reliant and self-directed and self-manifesting. When I felt the internal push or tug, I took action. I was aware of the Divine guiding me, however, I still thought I was the 'doer', that it was up to me to get 'it' done!

Somewhere along the line, something has changed in this equation. I feel I am in a phase where new lessons are being taught. The lessons are an extension of surrendering to the Divine. For me, this is the first time I feel called to surrender not only the upheavals or emotional transitions, those times when I can no longer do it on my own. But this is the learning of turning over my day to day life, to this Divine guiding Force! It makes every day magical and are living affirmations that all is in much larger hands than my own!

Relocating to Los Angeles has been full of magic and guidance. The Presence of being guided has been palpable and has brought about profound trust and faith in the day to day of life. This experience has been quite opposite of the learning of 'my' will to manifest.

From the get-go of this move, I have had an agenda, my vision of how things were to be. And from the get-go, I have been shown this has not been accurate. Of course I questioned my alignment, blocks, stories and beliefs. I even dipped into a period of doubting the existence of this Divine power. I entertained in depressed moments, that all I had been believing in, learning and experiencing all these years, had all been false and imagination. I had dropped into a brief dark night of the soul. The dark night became the turning point. Something within opened up to seeing differently and more clearly.

The Mystery was present in the dark night, it didn't rush to shine it's light brightly. Instead it peeled away the veils of blindness slowly, to illustrate that it's Presence had never left, it was only my seeing and expectations that had fooled me into thinking otherwise!

I cannot begin to enumerate each instance that the invisible hand has guided my husband and I into just the right place, circumstance and timing which have been perfect, and in which all our needs were met. Just one example to convey this amazing life:

Byron arrived here on a Friday in July and had his interview the next day, Saturday. On this same Friday I received a call from a friend, who had some friends, who needed a house/pet sitter at the last minute. We agreed we would meet with them on Saturday, though we didn't know where they lived, we would get directions on Saturday. After Byron's interview, we went to look at an apartment in Santa Monica, realizing that it would make things really difficult with only one car and the distance from the restaurant, which was in Silver Lake, off Sunset Blvd. Heading back toward 'home', we got our call to meet the family we were to sit for . . . lo & behold, they lived in Silver Lake, JUST above his new place of employment! This worked out so perfectly to relieve the stress of our mutual responsibilities, with one car in this vast city! But wait, this isn't the end of this example! Byron really had his hopes on one other restaurant, but had no way of knowing when that opportunity would arise. So we began apartment hunting in Silver Lake. He found out quickly that his new job was not feeling aligned, but also realized how much he was learning, so it would be good for as long as need be. Our housesit lasted a little over 1 week. Byron received a call and an interview from his job of choice 2 days before our housesit was completed. He did his first day of training just as our move out time, and now we have been guided to new permanent home not only by his new work place, but also, biking distance to one of the new studio's I will be working out of! This was not our choice either, but that is another story!!

This is the magic we are living in. This is the magic we are surrendering to. This is the Mystery we are finding a stronger faith in. It is not as much as itemizing our desire or intentions, but more that our deepest desires automatically flow through us. They emanate from our being, from who we are! I am finding there is less that I need to 'do' or think about or plan, I simply let go and witness the Divine putting things into place, in divine timing.

About 13 years ago I had a dog, Lotus. She was a mix of herding breeds. She often would use her thick body and butt to 'herd' or push and lean into the direction she wanted things to go, often times the object she pushed into was me! She was willful and strong, yet gentle, firm and sweet. Although this is an odd metaphor, this has been my recent palpable experience of the Divine guidance I have had the blessings to receive!

A strong, firm, yet gentle will, not of my own, has been using it's thick body and butt, to herd me into each perfect circumstance. As I mentioned, it took awhile to really see this was what was happening, but once I did and surrendered into being 'herded', it was clear that 'I' could never have maneuvered this process with such precision, as the example above illustrates.

Divine Grace has afforded me Her presence of guidance, which is not about 'my' will in the least.
This isn't to say that there isn't an awareness of this souls part that it is here to play and an active, intrinsic intention that is involved. It is more that at this phase, I am being called to let go even more fully into recognizing and trusting that I will be moved exactly to where, what, when and how things should unfold!

Each day brings a kind of adventure in the sense of "How will I be called into relationship with the Mystery today?" rather than, "This is my plan . . . for the day and this is how I will manifest it." What lies next to be done, makes itself known in the moment. It may be apartment hunting, scheduling a session or writing this blog. Within any of the above, there is a nudge, a force leaning into one thing or the other. I follow and trust it's outcome! Sometimes it's not so simple, however, I am recognizing more quickly when I am pushing back or resisting the guidance being given.

I have my part in relation to the Divine, I am a part of this Divine force, and there is a knowing far beyond mine of what is right and true for this journey. There is such joy and wonderment of this interplay these days. There is great gratitude and humbleness that I may rest in, as I/we are danced in this Divine dance! All I can do is give thanks when I remember the gifts showered at every moment!

I trust some of you know exactly what I mean or hope to inspire a new way of perceiving! We are all students and teachers along this Divine journey and I am blessed to be traveling it with all of you~

In Peaceful Surrender~

santosha continues ~

Happy Summer, which is in full swing! It seems like quite awhile since I have written here. Time is not very clear these days. It has been a swirling & whirling, with days and months sort of merging into each other. As noted in the Inner Journeys newsletter, there remains continued shifting in our transition to LA. I feel I have been here for about 6 months but the calendar reports only 3!

The practice of Santosha or contentment is the focus for this month. For me, it has certainly been the challenge brought to a head since this venture began. And from the responses and notes I received from the newsletter, this particular niyama/discipline spoke to many of you! Therefore, it seemed like the natural subject for this blog entry. Though so much can be written on all of these subjects, and are by the Maters, I can only bring to you a snippet of what I feel seems true in my life now. It is through each of our individual practice, that this will feel true to you or not, aligned or not, as our own experience informs us.

First, let's take a peek at what the Bhagavad Gita has to say. I am using the text "The Essence of the Bhagavad Gita" by Swami Kriyananda, who is a disciple of Paramahansa Yogananda, to bring more clarity to this practice.

The Gita says in passage's: 2:70 "Contentment is his who, like the ocean, calmly absorbs into himself all the rivers of desire. One (on the contrary) whose energy trickles outward is soon drained (of energy)."

2:71 "That person knows peace who, relinquishing all (energy-draining) desires, and fully satisfied with his state of desirelessness, no longer sees himself as a separate, individual ego."

Then later in 4:22 "He is free from karmic involvement who is contented with whatever comes to him uninvited; who is even-minded and untouched by duality; who is without envy, jealousy, and animosity; and who (finally) views success and failure with equanimity."

Clearly from these passages, we see that we are dealing with the pulls of desires, thoughts, wants, and beliefs of the attachments of our ego. This is the challenge of all of our spiritual processes and transformations. We may even notice that 'we' want to judge that ego aspect of ourselves as right or wrong. Notice the moment that happens, any sense of peace and contentment flies out of the window!

It is often easy to look upon these passages as being 'dry', boring or dull to think about desirelessness. Or to interpret contentment as stuck or acceptance of whatever comes our way, as being passive or uninvolved in our life. I have found for myself that to merely read the words is very different than to actually embrace the practice and find out what is really being expressed via experience.

Since moving to a new city, looking for work, putting energy into establishing Inner Journeys here in LA, seeking a place to live, staying with relatives and living out of my suitcase for 3 months, Life has offered plenty of opportunities for harnessing my thoughts, wants, excitements and disappointments! I have found this practice to be anything but dry and my desire to seek contentment grows.

Of course, I have an example to illustrate the practice of Santosha. For me it is imperative to become a witness, as soon as I notice I am off on my own trip. When I am clinging, resisting, creating waves of highs and lows. The practice of self-questioning brings aid in harnessing the attachment back into conscious awareness. This works for small things such as the parking ticket I got last week and not letting myself get carried away in excuses and berating. As quickly as possible, remember this is what is. What could I have done different? Take the time to read the sign more carefully. Next time, no doubt I will remember. The there are the larger things!

My tendency is to nest. I love being home, having my own space, routine, privacy, quietude and predictability. Lotus' plan for this adventure was, that I would be living with my incredibly generous relatives for maybe a month or so. My mind was prepared for this. I recognized the lessons this would enable me to learn in the interim and the opportunity to make life easier for those I live with while here. Being that this nesting, privacy, quietude etc is a strong tendency for me, even as I found acceptance for what was (short term), I still had attachments to wanting things, how I wanted them, especially as the time lengthened. I easily fell into the habit of obsessively searching Craigs List for possibilities, even though it was completely pre-mature! I would get excited (nervous system would go WEEE!) when I found something that seemed so right, only to be disappointed (nervous system goes BLAH) when it would not pan out! In the midst of the attached ego actions, I was completely missing what was.

The what was or what is, (3 months later) can be seen as God's will, not my will. And as we step back and look through a macro lens of the Universe, rather than from the micro lens of ego, we can more often than not recognize that there is most likely a reason things aren't going how 'I' want them to go, in the timing I want things to happen (which personally, is usually quickly!).

Looking at the passages above, I can humbly say, I was draining my energy with every desire for things to be different and for each fall into disappointment. It is this kind of desire, an egoic want, that becomes attached and clingy, that brings on our suffering.

Of course it is ok for me to have a desire for a place to call home. There is alignment in this for my person. For my constitution, it brings grounding, balance, peace of mind, and helps maintain health. However, this isn't what is present now. There was no contentment with the way I was holding life, as it was, and still is. My attitude about the situation is what has the power to bring about more instability than the circumstances themselves.

So, I had a choice. Continue to argue energetically with the reality presenting itself, or draw my energy back into center. This means, still myself, become quiet and breathe. Let go of my want for my own abode, for now. Accept that I am living out of my suitcase for a bit longer. Be receptive to God's will, because that is what is. Obviously my will isn't working. The footwork is done, but it isn't time.

I have found that when I am in the action mode of my doing, ie, constantly on Craigslist, obsessing on wanting an abode, and being unhappy that I don't have a my own home, my energy is not only being drained, but that the energy body is contracting like a kinked hose. The perception is microscopically focused on this attachment and the nervous system, breath and tension in the body follows suit. I can't see what is, I can only see what is NOT. And yet, in ego mode, it will keep trying what is NOT working, blind to a bigger purpose!

The taking the time to become still, quiet and breath is so powerful here. It is in those moments that we consciously practice surrendering to contentment. It is then that the kinked hose opens and the habit of willfulness is intercepted. Our breath can deepen, the mind can release what it is clinging to, the body can relax and our perception can expand to see a bigger picture. This is where Santosha/Contentment can enter in. We rest in a place of equanimity, present with what is and not needing anything to be different. When that contentment comes over us, we find a deep richness and whatever guidance needs to come through, whatever new steps need to be taken can be seen, from this open place of contentment and inner peace.

There is a reason for practice, as I have talked about before. It strengthens the muscle of that discipline or action. We gain wisdom from the experience it brings. And each time we are faced with another round of the challenge, we widdle away that habitual tendency.

I don't by any means have this one mastered yet, as Byron and I are still appreciating the hospitality of family. But just the power of awareness itself quickens the process. Although I have to keep reminding myself when my attachment creeps in and the desire for control of the situation makes itself known, I trust that this time, I won't look back regretting that I missed the gifts and blessings of this time because of resistance to Life's reality!

I feel I have been graced with many freedoms and contentment on a smaller scale since arriving in LA. I can honestly say that I have tasted the some of the reality spoken of above in the Gita passages. I say graced, specifically, because, I can't take responsibility for them. I feel that I was given the opportunity to feel and be enveloped by the quality of Santosha in the midst of uninvited circumstances simply by being open to this lesson. Spirit is always with us, guiding and blessing us. It is a matter of our being open enough and in the place of acceptance to feel the shower of blessings that rain down.

I know that my understanding will continue to deepen and expand as time goes on through this discipline. Just as all of our lessons, they evolve and change over time. We are given just what we need to deepen our wisdom and connection with God. For this I am forever grateful and to all of you who help me along the way! May we all continue to blossom on the journey together!

Jai Maa!

exploring karma

The subject 'up' for exploration is one of Karma. Most are familiar with the term karma and we often use the phrase "what goes around, comes around" to express it in our lives. While the Eastern traditions hold the law of Karma and reincarnation as a foundational aspect of their philosophies, the Western Christian religion does not necessarily hold this belief.
A note about this, is that we can see where this law is eluded to in the Bible and where perhaps in ancient times, reincarnation may in fact have been an accepted concept within the early Christian movement.

Some definitions of karma:
1) the sum of a persons actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.
2) destiny or fate, cause and effect
3) action seen as bringing upon oneself inevitable results, good or bad, either in this life or in a later reincarnation. In Hinduism, one of the means of reaching Brahman . . . the Absolute, the All.

This entry a personal process. It is a vulnerable process I am sharing as sometimes our stories can help bring a light to help others. I am not claiming 'this is' the absolute truth. I do not know that my perception of this experience is fully right on. What I know is that there is a ring of truth deep within this heart and soul, that there is a resonance with what the Master's and Teacher's that have gone before have shared, and that over time the culmination of my experience thus far has given me a sense that I am on track! But it is an exploration, a questioning, an imagining and a process of self-inquiry that encompasses deep listening. So, I invite who ever is interested to explore ones own karmic lessons, as I reveal mine.

As a child of about 8 or 9 years old, like most kids, I had chores around the house to attend to.
One of my responsibilities was to do the dishes after dinner. And like many kids, I balked and found no joy in that task. Ya know, "do I have to?" "can't I do it later?" Now the interesting thing I have reflected on recently is that, we had some neighbors across the street whom I loved to go to their house and do their dishes. The kids were my age, friends, and I suppose they may have had that job themselves. However, I found so much joy in going across the street and cleaning up their kitchen! I ask myself, "Did they have express more appreciation for my deed than my parents?" I honestly don't remember. I can simply remember wiping their counters, straightening all their kitchen nik-naks and loving the outcome! I have no recollection of this at my own house.

Most all the jobs I had once I moved away from home were domestic positions. I did indeed do my fair share of retail, hostessing, reception, but they never quite fit. I was a nanny taking care of children and keeping house at 20. Then at 24 I stumbled into house cleaning after I met the gal who cleaned for my parents. That became my mode of financial livelihood.

Being self-employed had many benefits for me. I liked physical activity and I was fast and efficient. I could create my own schedule, which meant I was done with my work day by 3:00. I made really good money working less hours than a 'normal job' and I could pick and choose who I worked for. I loved the process and the way the environment looked and felt afterward.

This served me well for many years. I had the flexibility to pursue other interests. During some periods I did other work as well, but always returned to cleaning. I was able to afford and do different trainings toward 'what I wanted to be as I grew up'. I have never been conventional and have never taken conventional routes, so my figuring things out just happened as I went along. I noticed when I was called to one training or workshop in one area, it sparked an interest in another area. In this way I just followed what ever called.

In my 30's I segued into another domestic position of care giving for elder's. This was another 'stumble' along the way. Once again, I could help maintain a home and offer care and nurturing, which is another very natural way of being for me. The way I went about this employment afforded many of the same benefits as housecleaning. The work was indeed different, not always as physical, but my body was also ready for a rest.

I have believed through most of these years that I was in control of this choice to do domestic work. And of course, to some degree this is true. But what I have been questioning and struggling with on deeper levels over the last 2 years, is whether there is something stronger than my own will at play.

The ways in which many know me have more to do with the things I aspire toward. Namely to teach within the area's that I have learned either through trainings, types of process work and study of spiritual/Self awareness. Over many years I have been building a base for myself and gaining my own experiential foundation from which to be of service. It has been in the last 2 years in which I have felt a maturity around my purpose and ready to move more fully into that work.

As I have opened more to actualizing the work I am here to do, I have been blessed with wonderful clients in Portland and in Tucson. I feel the alignment and wholeness when I do the work that comes through me so naturally and I feel so honored to be a part of the lives of those people who have allowed me to be a part of their process! And I have also struggled with much resistance to that which is most true for me.

My ( and my husbands ) choice to move to Los Angeles has been both inspired and guided, as well as, a natural progression for us. We had a plan for our transition here, to the City of Angels.
The months prior to my move were fraught with sizable meltdowns as I came face to face with my resistance to doing my work and yet feeling an intolerable angst to continue doing domestic work anymore. The work that has carried me for a couple decades has kept me very safe and comfortable. It has aided my resistance. It has also drained me and has continued to highlight that is is time to move on.

During a monumental melt-down back in the spring, accompanied by an hour of unstoppable sobs and tears and ragefulness, what rose to the surface was that, "If I have to continue to do this work (cleaning/caregiving) I did not want to live anymore!" This startled both my husband and myself. The intensity with which this arose seemed so disproportionate to the reality of the situation and yet, at the same time I could feel it in every fiber of my being. It frightened me and alerted me to something so deep within, some belief, event or situation that had been buried beyond the recognition of my present life. I felt the heaviness of some kind of imposed prison I felt trapped in for some time. But at that moment a light of an expansive awareness began to shine through simultaneously.

When I began my 'waking' process, which for me started with the self-help books in my early 20's, I could track my issues to childhood, parental relationships and life events that had made deep impact. That was a necessary beginning. However, once I began what I see as the next level of 'waking', it was much more spiritually oriented rather than psychologically oriented. The first set a foundation for the next phase of this evolutionary process. Those psychological issues are the manifestation of karmic roots.

It was at that point I began to see karma as very real and it's activity bringing balance and clearing 'debts' more rapidly. I began to walk in the shoes of my own judgements almost immediately. The relationship dynamics of my past began playing out so that I may be on the opposite side, opening my perspective and deepening my understanding of the other. I was led into situations which may have been previously filled with fear, anger or 'poor me' attitudes and saw that I needed to be different. I recognized the importance of withdrawing tendencies of reactivity, which only re-assert the karmic knot that is trying to be worked out.

According to the yogic teachings, we, ie our personality is made up of past life tendencies. So what I prefer, my likes and don't likes and fears, while they may be influenced in this lifetime, have roots in past lifetimes. One of the most obvious examples as far as talents, can be seen in these very young children whose ability far surpasses their age. While we call them prodigies, another way of viewing this is that in a past life they already had mastered this skill, but for whatever reason, unique to that individual soul's expression, something was left unfinished. Perhaps the maturation process had not come to it's fruition; perhaps there was some strong desire to be a performer that needed to be played out.

So it is with this lens that I began exploring my patterns and feelings about domestic work. It is with this lens that I remembered the cleaning our neighbors kitchen as a child. It is with this lens I also remembered being in a financial bind at 20 years old, as I was trying to leave an unhealthy relationship in Columbus, Ohio and started cleaning for a couple of friends, to make some money to get home to my family in Portland, Oregon. And through this lens, was it just a coincidence that I then 'stumbled' into the cleaning biz?

After my melt down in the spring, I decided that when we moved, I was done. No more care giving, no more housecleaning. It was time to find something different and/or move into what I am here to do. This felt like such a relief. It also gave me time to reflect on the 'not wanting to live' sorrow, as I finished out my time in that last caregiving position in Tucson. The intensity of that feeling would rise and fall. In meditation and through writing I began to explore it, as well as, stayed in very close relationship to what rose in the mind and body in reaction to the circumstances.

The last 2 years have brought me the amazing opportunity to move through one powerful past life memory that facilitated much healing for me. This is the second of a similar kind. I am not one who is prone to attaching to a need to know my past lives. I have always felt that just takes me off the track of my focus on God. I have believed that what and when I need to know, will be shown to me. I don't have to go looking. It really is all playing out, in the lives we are living now, when we remember to look and see how our life is unfolding. And this has been the case in the recent past.

What I began to discover, (and I used my imagination in order to play with what might make sense) was that, perhaps . . . I had been a member of the lower caste, say in India. . . perhaps, I had other natural skills, talents, aspirations but I was not allowed to bring them forth because it would have not been appropriate for my position in life. As I began to explore this, some other information I have of this one's evolution, some pieces started to fall together. With it came a sense of relief and clarity. The inner fire of pain and rage was subdued by a recognition of a distant existence. I had to constantly neutralize my reactive tendencies and remember, that is not the truth at the present time. I have choice. I have freedom. I have the power to actualize my purpose.

With a sense of relief, the plan quickly emerged for our move. Not feeling the reaction as strong since I had gained some awareness, I let go of my refusal to do domestic work. I fell back into the security and money that can be made doing that work. I saw that I could clean for a single household in LA for about a year or two, get settled, do a bit more schooling in another area of interest, do my work if it came about organically, and after a year or so, begin more seriously to manifest my purpose.

I brought with me over a decade of experience in housecleaning, over a decade in care giving and stunning references, both professional and personal. I found an awesome agent at one of the elite domestic agencies and my hopes were high!

I had also been in contact with a wonderful guy who was ready to work with me on renting studio space in his healing arts center. I kept it filed away, while I plugged away, dwindling funds down, and feeling all my security issues on edge, pursuing 'my' plan. Finally, after a month, I realized I needed to readjust my perspective. I had to look at the doors that were opening and quit banging my head against those that were closed. My faith was being tested and I had exhausted myself.

After a whole moth ( maybe a bit more ), of self will, I had no choice but to surrender to what was. I let go of the big paying cleaning job. I began to set my sights on how to begin to build my business in this new city, as I continued to be immersed in Craig's List. I sent out reply after reply for a part time cleaning job, or a few weekly jobs I could piece together, or a caregiving position.

Nothing. Literally a couple of weeks ~ Nothing.

Then I get a response from a gentleman form India. The only response I receive. He is looking for a live-in housekeeper, but cannot pay me my going rate. At this point I am so desperate, I need to do something. We meet for an interview and a new relationship is forged.

I will call call this man Sunny. While he is in need of a live-in and though I had been looking for a live-in possibility until Byron arrived, I could not commit to this. I have worked for Sunny for a little over 2 weeks. We have had many negotiations about this position. He has great appreciation for me because I am conscious and present. Not only about how I do my work, but spiritually I am aligned with his culture. I have an understanding of the importance of the energies of service when caring for his home and preparing his food. I can relate to the desire to keep an environment harmonious and peaceful, orderly and sacred. He appreciates that while I can not give him the long term commitment he is seeking, that I communicate with awareness and honesty at each turn. He wants me to help him find someone like me.

For this job, I have been driving 1 to 2 hours each way, depending on traffic, 6 days a week, for 4-hours a day of work. Every rational thought says, just move in. For 2 weeks, I watched how I reacted in mind and body to each thought of moving in. Tension. My energy body would contract. At some moments I would feel ok about it, then the next moments, I felt trapped. Each concession he made to offer me more of a sense of freedom, I felt my freedom being squelched if I were to say yes. I tried to be present with my intuition.

Was I afraid for my safety? NO. Did I feel he was somehow different than what he represented?
NO. Can I even think of working for less money than I have worked in years? YES. I could come up with no rational reason to not make this move, when everything else in my life would be simplified.

Just a few days ago, we had another talk, not so much about my moving in, but more about how to find someone to fill my shoes if and when he felt he really needed someone living in the home. On my way 'home' to my cousins in Arcadia, once again sitting in traffic for almost 2 hours, I thought "OK. maybe I'll just stay there a night or two and see how it feels." I felt ok about that. Yet, I could feel when I was on the phone with Byron, my husband, that night, an agitation rising. I felt many stories rising riddled with anxiousness. 'I felt like a servant. I felt trapped. I felt that if I stayed at his home I will be a slave. I felt contracted, constricted and that my skills weren't being valued. I felt angry. I felt afraid.' I was getting in touch with a distant past. I was hearing the voice of someone in servitude, not out of choice and sacred service, but out of cultural/personal force. Every cell was trying to save itself from this destiny of servitude and was reacting to a lot in life, it didn't feel it deserved.

I was getting clearer and clearer. I was hearing the stories that weren't coming from this person's consciousness, but stories that have been carried and believed for who knows how long.

Yesterday, July 1, the day of the New Moon, I packed up some of my things to make a temporary move 'til my hubby comes. I felt anxiety and contraction. I felt the stories coming through as the energy of panic. I stayed present and recognized them for what they were.

I remained aware, that this gentleman from India has been the only response I have received in the tail end of this job search. Divine Perfection is at hand. I am not being afforded the pay that will keep me safe and stuck in order to avoid manifesting my 'dharma', so to speak. He understands and appreciates the consciousness I bring. He is kind. He is thoughtful about my space/time/needs. He is helping me be free of a past conditioning, of a past life. I am at choice. I do not have to be in reaction. I am as free as I want to be. I am not a servant, I am providing a service. He is also providing an income and a temporary home with no expenses. This situation is indeed setting me free from a bondage of servitude I have been re-enacting in this lifetime.

Were we together before? Were we in these roles or reversed? What is being worked out for him? I don't know the answers to these questions. What I know is that while I packed to come here yesterday, I received a call for a session tomorrow. I feel there will be a shift. I will now be free to move into my purpose and Sunny is a part of that soul healing.

I am learning how to cook yummy Indian food. We have morning walks at 6am. He is environmentally conscious. Today we will go to the Co-op in Santa Monica. I am in a modest, modern palace. Immaculate, elegant yet, functional and responsible. I am surrounded by statues of Krishna, Buddha, Confuscious, Ganesha, Isis and Hathor. Works of literature as well, as the Koran, the Bible and Tantra, line the bookshelves. The art of Salvador Dali is through out the house. On the fireplace is an alter with Angel candles. The windows are as tall as the house and last night I meditated perched at the top of the world, it seemed. While he is not Ayurvedic, per se, it is clearly integrated into his lifestyle via his culture. He is a man of few direct words and the house has a peaceful stillness. It is the closest to living in an ashram that I have come. It is not that he is particularly spiritual, but it is how I utilize my time here and how I can deepen in the environment I have been given. It is easy to remain in the consciousness of maintaining sacred space here.

This will only be temporary. And it is perfect for everything that I need at this time. I have a good amount of my own time and the time I need to see clients and resolve what is needed through my work for him.

I trust the next unfolding as this clearing takes place.
Karma . . . sometimes the answers are in the repeated details of our lives . . . what are your thoughts on your karmic patterns???

Peace~

power of mantra on LA freeways ~ the rubber meets the road!

Remember Sammy Hagar's song, "I Can't Drive 55"? I think it can be agreed upon that he meant, he can't drive as slow as 55 mph. There was a time when I could totally relate to that. Heavy footed, tail-gating, fearlessly weaving in and out of traffic, fueled by adrenalin and loving that fast, stress fix!

Well, that was a different life, prior to embracing the healing and peacefulness of yoga, at which time, "I Can't Drive 55" became quite literal. Driving 55 mph felt almost too fast. I avoided it whenever I could! No longer comfortable in speedy situations, 55 mph felt like a reasonable speed limit on the freeway for me.

Now a new life is beginning, once again. I have left the quiet of my humble abode, my routine, knowing where I am going and never needing to take the freeway. I have flung myself into life in the fast lane and picking up my snail pace in uncharted territory. This week I have begun the crash course in driving in the City of Angels! Last weekend, thankfully, I had 2 co-pilots for my test run. Just this past Wednesday and today (Friday), I was on my own, flying solo.

To many of you, these trials and turmoil may sound silly, but for me, navigating 3 to 4 different freeways in one outing, brings an on-set of anxiety. Wednesday as I set out, palms sweaty and bringing my attention to deepen and slow my breath, I realized this as the perfect opportunity to invoke the practice of mantra.

Feeling myself very much in the physical world, needing to stay grounded, praying for the removal of any obstacles along my path or those in the form of stories in the mind, I began chanting a mantra for Ganesha. The elephant god, is rooted in the 1st chakra, helps remove obstacles, aids in physical world manifestation, as well as prosperity. Invoking Ganesha is recommended at the beginning of any endeavor, which is appropriate on many levels in my life right now!

I began chanting and in no time at all a clear calm became my reality verses anxiety. Continuing for the duration of the trip and home, the power of mantra passed the test of rubber meeting the road! Today as I ventured out to Bel-Air, the anxiety was mild to begin with, but after my return home by 12 noon, I was feeling a wonderful sense of freedom, new born confidence and inner peace.

Once the mantra is established within, I find it has a life of it's own. The pace, the vibration, the length of the words and even the rhythm find their own movement within. The mind remains clear and focused, heart quiet and open. I was able to travel with traffic accordingly, no worries to whether I was flying or at a stand still, no worries about the other traveling next to or behind me. There was no where to be but where I was.

I still have many areas of the city and it's freeways with which to continue this practice. It is comforting to know that there is always Presence whenever we turn toward it. That even in the worldliness of LA's pace and vast array of all walks of life and environments, I can call and be held; trust in whatever is to be; fly with Spirit wings at 70 mph or sit with Stillness even in bumper to bumper traffic!

There is much gratitude for this new chapter, for those who are a part of it and for the new lesson's around each corner ~ Jai Maa

aparigraha/non-clinging into faith & trust

As a companion piece to May's newsletter, I want to explore more of the last of the five Yamas we have been covering, 'aparigraha'. This is basically the principle of non-clinging or non-attachment. And how do we enter into the 'non' state, the letting go and releasing of the objects of our attachment?

Although this is the practice that has been introduced for the month of May, it has been both a friend and foe that I have been dancing with for the last 3 weeks! In the middle of April, we took a trip to Los Angeles to explore our future home. Prior to leaving, 'I' had a plan of action as to how 'I' wanted this next phase of my story to unfold. I am sure I am not the only one who has had this assumption, only to learn, 'I' am only one part of the directorial process!

For most of our trip, I was able to witness, that is to say, be in the mode of observing, not reacting, when 'my' plan started to go a little haywire. I recognized that I could obsess on what was NOT going my way, or I could be watchful as to the hints of what direction I was being encouraged into. As we returned home, I felt in the flow and very open to what I felt was the next move for me to make.

This is when it got interesting and entertaining! For the next 2 1/2 weeks or so, I proceeded to play a game of watching a succession of attachments and clinging, coupled with the natural states of this dynamics, elation and disappointment. You know, how when you feel so elated and fixate on what that new idea, situation, person, place or thing is, and then when it doesn't quite turn out the way the fantasy had it pictured, the obvious next experience is disappointment, discouragement or maybe even depression. It's what this material plane is made of, the 'law of what goes up, must come down!'

Yes, to all of the above is the experience I am here to report! Now, as all this was at play, I found amazement ( as I am easily amazed!) to have such a clear awareness of what my energy was was acting out. It would attach and cling like a leach, so to speak, to one desire. The energy could be witnessed moving outward to cling to the object of my desire. There the mind obsessed on it and felt a sense of fear and scarcity to even consider this desire not coming into fruition.

"But wait, this new desire looks even better!" the mind would exclaim, as it found another object to obsess on, while glued to Craiglist. And the previous obsession, of no less than 5 minutes before, was released and faded into oblivion as all the energy of leach-dom, clung to it's new object! And on and on it went.

While I'd like to say that having this awareness and watching the play within me was enough to find reprieve from this game; to put an end to the clinging; and the elation of each new find; or the disappointment when nothing came to fruition, I would be lying. ( This would take us back to the practice of the second Yama, Satya or non-lying.) No, I wasn't so lucky or so skilled, nor did I find relief that easily!

I had lessons in store about pushing the river, forcing my will where it wasn't mean to be forced. I had attachments and obsession, which taught me how dissipated my energy/ prana could become from losing my center, as I focused energy out of myself. The mind became contracted, fixated with 'it's' want, that all perspective was skewed and I saw my tendency to impatience create all sorts of stories in my head. And the underlying causes and conditions of the ego personality were in reaction to beliefs of scarcity and limits, rather than in trust in the perfection of what needed to unfold!

This is an illustration of how attachment, clinging, fears and scarcity affect our way of being in our life. It drains the nervous system, it darkens the light of perception and it makes us cranky!
In this experience I had to see that I was not the one in control. That my need for control was inhibiting the possibilities of manifesting what I believed I wanted. The belief that 'I am the doer', was not working for me! So how do we heal our own unique attachment tendencies?
How do we 'let go'?

We have clearly seen what parigraha, (clinging, attachment and obsession) is. How does aparigraha work in ones life? In this example I have been sharing, I finally had a melt down, a beak down, a fit. Whatever one calls it, but really it was a dramatic moment of surrender. The ego is up against the wall, exhausted and has no choice but to let go! I would also like to report that this was graceful, but again . . . satya, non-lying. It was not pretty, neat or tidy, but oh! so cathartic and healing. Once I was able to let go, to stop being willful and to become open to what was being shown me, I was able to settle into acceptance of 'what was'.

Sometimes we are given exactly what we need, before we realize that it is indeed what we want. That what we need, is what will deliver us to exactly what is for our higher good. And sometimes this happens by roadblocks appearing in our plan, by loss of things we have invested in, or by simply things not coming to fruition. None of these things are 'bad' or 'wrong', it is simply to what degree we are fighting 'what is present ~ in the now'.

The inner Joy was able to expand again, as I surrendered. The mind became more spacious so that new inspiration and awareness could flow back in. And I had stepped into the place of surrender, so I could easily trust that what unfolded would be perfect. There was the ability to hear the heart's alignment and set an intention from it's peace, and not be attached to the outcome. This is where I sit today.

I am so grateful to all my years of practicing yoga, meditation, self-inquiry, prayer and surrender, because this is how I have learned to let go. With this path, the ability to really enter into witness consciousness and be the observer of what is transpiring is freeing. To know that my feelings and fits, my fears and attachments are simply an aspect of ego consciousness. I have learned and continue to get opportunities to practice realizing that, identifying with of 'who I think I am', as in, the stories and drama's of wants and fears, we experience ever day is all just a play of the mind, karma and ego. I certainly don't always get spared the subtle web of this illusion, but in the midst of being caught in the web, I know it is only a web. I know it is a play and at some moment, the light of consciousness will shine again!

The answer therefore as to the 'how' do we let go and practice non-clinging or non-attachment, in my experience, is sitting quietly long enough to recognize that attachment is energy. It is energy of the mind wanting, desiring and needing so strongly that it contracts upon itself. This is the entry point to seeing clearer, and that part of you that is seeing clearer, that is even just barely separated from the point of obsession, is the witness. Practice identifying with that which observes. Strengthen that which observes, the awareness of a quiet part of you which simply watches, without judgment, desire or preference. Use that place within you, to let go from. At that point of inner contentment, in that moment of quiet and watching, notice that you can bring all you into your center, choose to release the need or the focus of the attachment, and rest into whatever the outcome is.

And most of all, remember, it is a practice. Somethings will be easier to release, somethings will be more challenging. This isn't wrong or a failure, it is simply a lesson helping you to see where your depths need healing, acceptance and love. Return to that quiet place daily. It takes time to cultivate the awareness, but the more you go there, the easier it becomes to tap that witness space.

Will I have clear sailing from here as the move and new chapter unfolds? I can't say! But I have faith that I will learn what ever is needed to deliver me into the next level of freedom, love, trust and surrender. I know that I am never navigating this world alone, and everything is connected to the Good. When I hold that truth, even the most turbulent times can be held with a peaceful heart. That for me is all I need to know ~ for today!

Peaceful Journeys to all Life's travelers!

the light of 2012

". . . human consciousness is rapidly transforming to a new state, a new intensity of awareness that will manifest itself as a different understanding, a transformed realization, of time and space and self. By this thesis, the transition is already under way - though largely subliminally - and will become increasingly evident as we approach the year 2012." Daniel Pinchbeck from his book 2012 - The Return of Quetzalcoatl

I wanted to begin this entry with a straight to the point perspective on the event that is quietly or loudly bubbling up all around us. This is a very exciting time to be alive, if you are one of those who are feeling the energy shifting! There are of course other perceptions abounding as well, which may not feel the wonder of this time. But for our start point I'd like to say, that although I really do not know anything for sure, I certainly feel that a new liveliness and grandness is at all of our fingertips and blooming in all of our hearts.

It is true too, that this subject has managed to only recently draw my awareness toward it. While I have done a tad of reading here and there on the subject, while I have an intuitive sense that there is validity to this event we are in the midst of, I am like many others I know, waiting for this mystery to unfold. There are many theory's, ideas, concepts and beliefs surrounding 2012. For myself, I won't really know, until time unravels Herself and reveals Her truth.

I would like to fill in the blanks for those who, like myself who are not well schooled in the 2012 prophecy. What is now popularly known as 2012 has had roots in most all spiritual traditions from the world over.

The year 2012 is significant in the Mayan and Toltec calendars marking the end of a 'Great Cycle'. This cycle spans over 5,ooo years, at the end of which humanity enters a new age. According to those specializing in this field, the science that this calendar is based on, has borne out with great accuracy the very information it prophesied. With that accuracy, many believe that on December 21, 2012, the world as we know it will be forever changed.

One of the things I found most striking in reading Pinchbecks (quoted above) book a couple of years ago, was the similarity in many other traditions holding similar myths with this time line, which seem to also come to an end at or around this calculated time. While I had read different material, at different times, I had a sense of this, but seeing it streamlined made me think a bit deeper on the subject.

For instance, in Hinduism, they refer to their cycles of time as 'Yuga's', and Pinchbeck points out that the Yugas correspond roughly with the Golden, Silver, Bronze and Iron Ages, of the Greeks.
If we were to mark which Yuga we are in presently, the majority would say we are in Kali Yuga.
(Just a note on this: Shri Yukteswar, the guru of Yogananda, claimed that we actually have been in Dwapara Yuga since 1699 ce. For more info on this complicated measurement of time, see this in depth study, 'The Holy Science' by Shri Yukteswar)

The vast majority claim that we are n Kali Yuga, heading toward Satya Yuga, which corresponds with the Golden Age. The Native American Hopi tribes have passed on the oral tradition that we have been in the Fourth World and are approaching the Fifth World.

Being westerners in a culture of Christian majority, there is more familiarization with the 'End Times' or Apocalyptic foreshadowing, which we could also say is our present day. I often appreciate when I learn the meaning of words that have held so much fear and charge to them, then to find out that the definition doesn't relay that at all. Apocalypse, is one such word:
' uncovering' or 'revealing'. These words seem appropriate for what is being conveyed by all the traditions. It is said that higher Truths will be revealed, that there will be an uncovering or an unveiling of a higher reality, that our highest selves will be invited to be revealed! It could be understood to be the revealing and uncovering of Christ Consciousness, the Second Coming within humanity. In other words, our perception will be purified to see Truth and Light. This is what I feel will be relevant to these times. This could be the time we begin to understand some of the teachings, such as "When thy eye is single, thy body will be full of Light."

So this is a very, very simple overview of the power of 2012, this age, has had for many people since very ancient times. We will all decide for ourselves how much significance we place on this fact that many traditions, (of which this is just a sampling) from across the entire world, from primitive times, all held similar stories with a grand mysterious outcome!

For the main purpose of this blog, I wanted to address, not what the outcome of this time will be, but how are we experiencing this 2012 shift that is in process NOW? Years ago it was said that on that date, everything would come tumbling down. That seems to be a favored scenario, for some reason, concerning many predicted 'doom' days. The REM song often comes to mind not only in the past instances, but presently as well. "It's the end of the world as we know it AND I FEEL FINE." This is an invitation to open our hearts and mind to a better world!

While the tune is catchy and I feel it holds a more faith and trust based sentiment, that this isn't an end, it is a new beginning! It is a time of great shift and transition for all of humanity! But for many, who are caught in the manifestations of the prophetic destruction, it is not all fine. And we don't know where, when, or how it will manifest once again. So naturally there is a fear element involved or denial or rationalization or whatever each of us has to do to wrap our mind and heart around any time of great change!!

We can all attest that change is not easy. Many of us resist change until we are forced to change, and then it is often painful. In may ways we see the reflection of our individual consciousness reflecting onto the macro consciousness right now. It isn't easy.

Out of all this impending doom, one of the loudest calls piercing the darkness right now is that of Love. We see over and over again that in the midst of great hardships, communities come together. We help one another. We are forced to stop running around 'doing' and come together to 'be' of support to someone else. Our hearts open and compassion floods out instead of habits and holdings that normally bury away. Beauty flows through the dark cracks! That dainty flower that has the force and determination to grow up through the man made concrete sidewalks!

This is what many are understanding this time to be. A great shift in the human heart and consciousness. This great shift will bring us clearer vision. The planet will come into a greater unity. The planet and our human selves will be called to change, to shift, to throw out what is destructive and to cultivate healing! And these same many are saying each of us has a part to play, depending on whether we put our attention on the doom stories of fear or the new light waiting to stream through which is Love!

It does sound glorious, doesn't it? And I have a sense it will be, however, it is also noted that while we may head in that direction, it is a growing process. Change, deep change takes time for the psyche, the heart, the actions, the mind, the body to all get on the same page.

Just as the world is rocking here and there, to create a new homeostasis, we may find our own bodies, minds and emotions being carried on energetic tides. All holistic modalities understand that since the body, mind, spirit are not separate, but act as a unit, all areas are affected, whether moving out of or into balance.

As this global process is a shift in physical matter and energetic vibrations, and since we are connected to this earth and the cosmos, it only makes sense that our beings will also go through transformations.

In the beauty that continues to unfold and in the chaos, which must too take place, what can we all do? One way I see it is, the entire earth and all Her inhabitants will be a part of one whole purification process. So we must be willing to:
Let go of what seems to be pulled out from under us.
Let go when the old ways stop working and seek out new paths and alternatives.
Let go of the habits and behaviors which are causing us to close the heart and mind to the wonderful rainbow colors of one another.
Treat ourselves and one another more tenderly.
Bring at least as much emphasis to the inner life, as we do to the material world and all the excitement it offers.
Turn to those people and events which uplift the spirit and open the heart.
Don't be afraid to face our inner uglies as they show up and ask what is needed to bring healing.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road of Your Heart.
Meditate. Pray. Sing. Laugh. Dance. Hug. Love.

When we are so full of this kind of Light, there is little room for fear and constriction of darkness!

We are all in this together. Let's float down this river and relax into Her stillness and rapids.
Hold the Light in our hearts as the blooming for all. In this way, whether 2012 is or isn't, won't matter in the least. We will be transforming for our own highest and that of all Life we touch!

Enjoy and Peace through the Process of Life~

"As you change your awareness, your experience of the whole world changes."