A Conversation:

Connie:  I have a good friend who just got home last week from a retreat . . . she had some amazing epiphanies and now her whole life is in turmoil!

Me:  That's awesome! It sounds like an exciting time!

Connie:  (smirking at me) You just love it when people are miserable, don't you?

Me:  Not at all.  What I love is transformation in people's lives!  You misunderstand the enthusiasm. It's not because there is suffering, it's because transformation, deep change and new beginnings often are accompanied by hard times.

Connie:  Well, yeah. Her whole life is turned upside down, her relationships are struggling and she is feeling scared.

Me:  I hear ya.  I really do understand.  Life is telling her it's time to change, to evolve.  It is also communicating to all those she is in relationship with. It takes courage and trust to let go of what we know and jump into the unknown; to allow the fear and pain and dance with it! It's the evolution that is exciting! It's the freedom on the other side! It's the faith that is gained when we flow with all of Life's changes! That is what I love!

Connie: hmmm.

A Day Without  Fear 

by Byron Lindley

A day without fear

is to release the child 

who would guide our actions

decisions

knee jerk reactions

unconscious 

reflexes

instigated

and driven

by what we never see

because we don't look

take a peek

our fears

are deep

and even though

we don't normally feel 

them

for what they are

they pull our strings

unconscious behavior

is released

when we unveil our fears

and begin to see

how unfounded

they can be

the choice is ours

grow out of fear

release the child

stand in truth

stand in faith

stand in the shoes

of the adults we are

accept the perfection 

of all that is

which doesn't mean

acquiescence

in the face of injustice

but rather 

we have nothing to fear

because freedom within

is eternal

and clear

when we choose love

instead of fear

the promises enlightened

The Promises Enlightened . . .  Flowing Joy. Deepening Peace. Unbounded Enthusiasm. Faith and Trust. Love of Service. Fading of Ego. Enjoyment of the Play. Intuitive Soul Guidance. Surrender to the Unknown.

Twenty years ago upon entering the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous a poster or plaque of The Promises could be found, without fail.  These promises inspired a hope that one day those of us suffering would know a new happiness and freedom, that we would comprehend Serenity and gain interest in our fellows, losing interest in our selfish needs. We also heard that we would intuitively know how to handle situations that had once baffled us.  And most importantly, that we would realize that God was doing for us, what we could not do for ourselves.

The first five years of sobriety, I struggled with the concept of God, any belief, let alone the ability to say the word without some degree of resistance.  Through the next few years, a new awakening was upon me, one I couldn't deny. I worked the steps. I prayed. I did service work. I was not always game to look at my glaring defects of character, but Life does have a way of bringing them to our attention, regardless of how much we protest! I made my amends and over time I did less that I needed to make amends for. My load was lightening and I caught glimpses here and there of this new freedom and recognized a very slowly growing relationship with God, whose name I learned to use.  It was at around my ten year birthday, however that the spiritual path I had been stepping onto became golden.

The teachings of the yogic tradition deepened and broadened all that I had been practicing in AA.  When we practice the suggestions of those who have walked before us, we find great transformations that occur.  The shared teachings of self-examination; reflection; meditation; being of service; the courage to peel the layers of our onion, the Ego; and the discipline of habits, become a recipe for a rise in vibration!

"The personal life deeply lived always expands into truths beyond itself."  

Anais Nin

Truth passes down through many expressions, where we may or may not expect to find it.  The Promises have manifested in my life in abundance and beyond.  I give credit to the ways in which all my experiences, teachers and vehicles for awakening have guided me into the magical existence, I call my life.  Gratitude abounds as I have tapped into the living Presence of that Force of many names.  

More and more of us are tapping into this Force and deepening into the paths that bring us into the Present Moment.  Whether it be through Yoga, prayer, meditation, Sacred Dance, Conscious Movement, Tai Chi, Qi Gong, selfless service, or Reiki.  The list goes on.  These actions bring us again and again into the Truth of who we really are, beyond the personality and ego identifications.

Many have experienced mere happiness blossom into Bliss; limitless flow of Inspiration; personal love transform into a Higher Love which is not based on a return. We feel energy increase and there is a palpable dance with the Divine that takes place.  These are some of what I call the Enlightened Promises!  These Promises are a result of our actions intended to align with a Truth beyond.  These actions or practices return us over and over, again and again to a clear state of recognizing and remembering that each of us can touch the part within, that is Complete Wholeness and  Nameless, pure essence and Love.

It is through honoring my 'progress not perfection' and allowing for my perfect imperfections of this human experience.  These imperfections are not my enemies, but my teachers.  Once we enter this journey, we realize through our experience the impermanence of even our darkest aspects and moments, which are opportunities for deeper knowledge and purification.  With this knowledge, we can meet these moments with a clear present under current of Joy, Peace and Compassion. 

This under current is a thread of gold, which I have experienced as it has grown and expanded within, regardless of what I have met on my path thus far. For me, this thread of ever present gold, is of divine nature.  The qualities are an embodiment of the Promises in their fullest splendor.  Some of you understand exactly what I am saying, some of you may not.  The invitation then, if you are not connected to these Promises, is to step onto the path and keep practicing.  Join the rising vibration by stepping up, awakening up, open up and surrender up!  These Promises Enlightened are lived by a growing number and giving birth to a greater Love. 

When I got sober, I just wanted to be comfortable.  I thought that was happiness. God certainly has guided me into a life I could not have even imagined at the time.  There is nothing about what I have learned that was on my radar.  I am grateful I persevered, that I had the courage to keep letting go, and that I found the necessary teachers at each stage in this 'play' to show me the way.

My prayer for us all is to experience the Promises Enlightened manifesting within our hearts & lives!

In Deep Peace ~ Lotus

coming out of the closet

It is the week of national coming out day and the full moon tonight.  I have been feeling a restlessness during my time of integration. Sometimes one never knows what will surface as we sink into our own little cocoon to let our inner world settle.  Coupled with my own internal restlessness, has also been  mounting inspiration for the times we are in.  It is in fact these inspirations, these times and the encouragement I feel from it all that has rustled my feathers in order to help me see the closet I have been hiding in.

For me, hiding in a closet has had a way of effecting the authenticity of my relationships and my work.  I have experienced it to have a direct influence on my energy, health and happiness.  Perhaps we have all experienced this when we are  not yet ready to reveal ourselves more completely.

The little 'secret' has only been known most fully to my husband and to the degree's needed with clients.  Even those who I know hold the same 'secret', I still find myself holding it, oh so close to the heart, only alluding to the aspects of what we have in our common experiences.  But at some point secrets must be set free. The wisdom, honesty and vulnerability of Anais Nin has crept back into my life again after almost 30 years.  Her famous quote has found it's truth resonating within and it's time has come for this one!

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

I have been gathering courage and excitement from the evidence of the shift in consciousness, the awakening happening all around us and the myriad of expressions it is taking! More and more movies, documentaries, music and television are mirroring the entrance into the realm of energy, spirituality and expanded consciousness.  There is a movement afoot and we are all a part of this!

For over a decade I have been traversing my own awakening process, some refer to it as a Kundalini awakening.  Within this private part of my life, I have been led into periods of being a recluse and very internal, as well as balancing that with an outer life.  There have been gaps in friendships and family relationships since I did not know how to communicate what was happening within me. Most of these relationships have found  reunion after periods of 'stabilization' for me.  There has been much continued cryptic communication, as rational language does not always due the realm of mysticism justice.  And at times, some things are just better left unsaid. 

As I have moved through these years, while I have my guru and my teachers, what continues to deepen this ones understanding, purify, and raise the consciousness, is the Presence of the Divine Mother.  I find Her growing within at a steadier pace.  The heart is softening and expanding, as the mind releases it's attachments.  While ego, still very much at play and the continued practice of self-study always at hand, transformation takes place over and over, death and rebirth, death and rebirth.


This is not isolated to just a few of us.  Many today have these transformational cycles occurring in their lives, though it may not express itself identically for all. Consciousness is rising on this planet and we each have a part to play.  Though we don't know how all of this will play out, there is little doubt that something is amiss.  Most all of the spiritual traditions speak of this time, in their own prophecies, their own language, from the perspective of their own culture.  


When I received shaktipat initiation from my spiritual father, my guru, I had no idea what it was, let alone what was ahead. Although I was initiated into the yogic path of surrender,the pathless path, or a depth practice, as my spiritual grandfather calls it, I have been guided to also explore other traditions, namely early (esoteric) Christianity.  My connection to both Jesus and Mary Magdalene, led me to the Essenes.  This is how Byron and I ended up in Tucson, AZ. The Tree of Life's teachings did not integrate Jesus and Magdalene in the way I had expected, however, rich learning of Judaism at the Tree continued to show the spaces of unity in all the paths I had been called to follow.  They all teach of this Divine Feminine force most plainly taught through yoga, as Shakti Kundalini or Divine Mother.  It is of wide belief that this is the time of the Divine Feminine powers coming to heal one another and our planet, to raise consciousness and bring the power of transformation! 


I have hit a road block in myself, the work I am here to do and in my relationships because I have not been willing to 'come out'.  Coming out for me, doesn't require full disclosure of details, nor a need of ego labeling myself in any way, nor to try to say I am anywhere near the big 'There'.  Because I certainly am not.  However, I do feel a need to be more honest about the this journey that continues to lead me closer to God, Goddess, the Self . . . and that for this one's path, being a vehicle for the Presence of Divine Mother, in whatever way it shows up, is part of the service I am here for.  I know others who walk this same road, She flows through them.  There may or may not be reference to that, but it is integrated into their world and for me, She has been locked in a closet.  


There has been disclosure with clients simply because this awakening in them occurs during our work together.  In the early days, it took maybe a month or two to see that this force was activated in them.  Now it is a matter of one session.  In fact, it is a testament to our times, not to this vehicle really, because, many people are already awakened.  They either do not know it or they don't know how to surrender into the unfolding.  This is a sign of these times!  We all have the opportunity to open and receive, but the question is:
"Are you really ready?" as David Life says.


For this to continue to fill me, to evolve me, to teach me ( I use 'me' loosely, always), I have to relinquish yet more control as to where and when I 'allow' this Presence to be present.  It is no longer comfortable for me to subdue or repress Her flow.  It has stopped making sense.  Yet, no doubt I will still go through a process of letting go!  

The path I walk is one of deep, ongoing, surrender and transformation.  This is what I am here to serve in others who are really ready and willing to do the inner work.  I am in service to Maa, to the spiritual evolution within us and the planet.  I am thrilled to be a part of the communities who all in their own way, voice, dharma are joining together for this amazing time!  Thanks for being on the journey with me ~ 
Love & Peace ~


Jia Maa ~

integration

 "We do not grow absolutely, chronologically.  We grow sometimes in one dimension and not in another; unevenly.

We grow partially. We are relative.  We are mature in one realm, childish in another.

The past, present and future all mingle and pull us backward, forward or fix us in the present.

We are made of layers, cells, constellations. "

Anais Nin

The whirlwinds of the season's has brought us into fall.  I feel the value of finding time to integrate now that I have a new home to nest in.  All transition brings different levels of insight and an invitation into new ways of being.

Relocating to a new city, a new life, has been no small task for me.   Especially when much of it involves the unknown, pushing edges of comfort and new relationships, in both living and work environments.  It seems for the past 5 months, any schedule I have had has been disrupted.  From sleep, diet, exercise, meditation, keeping up with projects and phone calls to loved ones!

Now that we have moved into the new abode, I find my body and mind still need some down time periodically in between the new opportunities for work and getting back to my writing.  The messages come through the body, asking for a nap here and there.  Or maybe craving a new kind of nourishing food.  The enjoyment of simply reading for fun and the desire to watch an extra movie or two.  My past experience with this sort of integration has given me the confidence that my focus will return.  I don't have to rush it or push it.  When I do that, the action is dull and unfocused; the outcome muddled; the satisfaction fragmented.

It is one more opportunity to practice releasing the desire of ego to do, to prove, to create something simply for the sense of feeling busy.  This is what I came up against today.  I had my list prepared of what is in front of me to accomplish, however, this is what felt 'right & true' in the moment.  Writing about this integration time.  Acknowledging it and following the flow of what the moment called for.  Just one more way to practice being in the realm of the feminine, her waters of nourishment and intuition and trust.

So, I hope you enjoy the new 'look' of the Inner Journeys blog and this short and sweet post.
Of course, more will come later as settling in occurs on all levels.  As I was perusing quotes yesterday, I cam upon some by Anais Nin and remembered how much I appreciated her insights years ago.  Her quote above felt particularly resonant for me today.

 

the force is with you

There was a time when, whatever I put my mind to doing, it became so. There was a time when the outcome I had intended manifested. There was a time that in a flash, I could move through the physical world creating just what I needed, seemingly immediately. Those days were of importance for my learning. I saw that I had the will, the direction and the 'end' point all wrapped up in one tidy package. I never thought twice that I could not do what I wanted and when I wanted! I learned to be self-reliant and self-directed and self-manifesting. When I felt the internal push or tug, I took action. I was aware of the Divine guiding me, however, I still thought I was the 'doer', that it was up to me to get 'it' done!

Somewhere along the line, something has changed in this equation. I feel I am in a phase where new lessons are being taught. The lessons are an extension of surrendering to the Divine. For me, this is the first time I feel called to surrender not only the upheavals or emotional transitions, those times when I can no longer do it on my own. But this is the learning of turning over my day to day life, to this Divine guiding Force! It makes every day magical and are living affirmations that all is in much larger hands than my own!

Relocating to Los Angeles has been full of magic and guidance. The Presence of being guided has been palpable and has brought about profound trust and faith in the day to day of life. This experience has been quite opposite of the learning of 'my' will to manifest.

From the get-go of this move, I have had an agenda, my vision of how things were to be. And from the get-go, I have been shown this has not been accurate. Of course I questioned my alignment, blocks, stories and beliefs. I even dipped into a period of doubting the existence of this Divine power. I entertained in depressed moments, that all I had been believing in, learning and experiencing all these years, had all been false and imagination. I had dropped into a brief dark night of the soul. The dark night became the turning point. Something within opened up to seeing differently and more clearly.

The Mystery was present in the dark night, it didn't rush to shine it's light brightly. Instead it peeled away the veils of blindness slowly, to illustrate that it's Presence had never left, it was only my seeing and expectations that had fooled me into thinking otherwise!

I cannot begin to enumerate each instance that the invisible hand has guided my husband and I into just the right place, circumstance and timing which have been perfect, and in which all our needs were met. Just one example to convey this amazing life:

Byron arrived here on a Friday in July and had his interview the next day, Saturday. On this same Friday I received a call from a friend, who had some friends, who needed a house/pet sitter at the last minute. We agreed we would meet with them on Saturday, though we didn't know where they lived, we would get directions on Saturday. After Byron's interview, we went to look at an apartment in Santa Monica, realizing that it would make things really difficult with only one car and the distance from the restaurant, which was in Silver Lake, off Sunset Blvd. Heading back toward 'home', we got our call to meet the family we were to sit for . . . lo & behold, they lived in Silver Lake, JUST above his new place of employment! This worked out so perfectly to relieve the stress of our mutual responsibilities, with one car in this vast city! But wait, this isn't the end of this example! Byron really had his hopes on one other restaurant, but had no way of knowing when that opportunity would arise. So we began apartment hunting in Silver Lake. He found out quickly that his new job was not feeling aligned, but also realized how much he was learning, so it would be good for as long as need be. Our housesit lasted a little over 1 week. Byron received a call and an interview from his job of choice 2 days before our housesit was completed. He did his first day of training just as our move out time, and now we have been guided to new permanent home not only by his new work place, but also, biking distance to one of the new studio's I will be working out of! This was not our choice either, but that is another story!!

This is the magic we are living in. This is the magic we are surrendering to. This is the Mystery we are finding a stronger faith in. It is not as much as itemizing our desire or intentions, but more that our deepest desires automatically flow through us. They emanate from our being, from who we are! I am finding there is less that I need to 'do' or think about or plan, I simply let go and witness the Divine putting things into place, in divine timing.

About 13 years ago I had a dog, Lotus. She was a mix of herding breeds. She often would use her thick body and butt to 'herd' or push and lean into the direction she wanted things to go, often times the object she pushed into was me! She was willful and strong, yet gentle, firm and sweet. Although this is an odd metaphor, this has been my recent palpable experience of the Divine guidance I have had the blessings to receive!

A strong, firm, yet gentle will, not of my own, has been using it's thick body and butt, to herd me into each perfect circumstance. As I mentioned, it took awhile to really see this was what was happening, but once I did and surrendered into being 'herded', it was clear that 'I' could never have maneuvered this process with such precision, as the example above illustrates.

Divine Grace has afforded me Her presence of guidance, which is not about 'my' will in the least.
This isn't to say that there isn't an awareness of this souls part that it is here to play and an active, intrinsic intention that is involved. It is more that at this phase, I am being called to let go even more fully into recognizing and trusting that I will be moved exactly to where, what, when and how things should unfold!

Each day brings a kind of adventure in the sense of "How will I be called into relationship with the Mystery today?" rather than, "This is my plan . . . for the day and this is how I will manifest it." What lies next to be done, makes itself known in the moment. It may be apartment hunting, scheduling a session or writing this blog. Within any of the above, there is a nudge, a force leaning into one thing or the other. I follow and trust it's outcome! Sometimes it's not so simple, however, I am recognizing more quickly when I am pushing back or resisting the guidance being given.

I have my part in relation to the Divine, I am a part of this Divine force, and there is a knowing far beyond mine of what is right and true for this journey. There is such joy and wonderment of this interplay these days. There is great gratitude and humbleness that I may rest in, as I/we are danced in this Divine dance! All I can do is give thanks when I remember the gifts showered at every moment!

I trust some of you know exactly what I mean or hope to inspire a new way of perceiving! We are all students and teachers along this Divine journey and I am blessed to be traveling it with all of you~

In Peaceful Surrender~

santosha continues ~

Happy Summer, which is in full swing! It seems like quite awhile since I have written here. Time is not very clear these days. It has been a swirling & whirling, with days and months sort of merging into each other. As noted in the Inner Journeys newsletter, there remains continued shifting in our transition to LA. I feel I have been here for about 6 months but the calendar reports only 3!

The practice of Santosha or contentment is the focus for this month. For me, it has certainly been the challenge brought to a head since this venture began. And from the responses and notes I received from the newsletter, this particular niyama/discipline spoke to many of you! Therefore, it seemed like the natural subject for this blog entry. Though so much can be written on all of these subjects, and are by the Maters, I can only bring to you a snippet of what I feel seems true in my life now. It is through each of our individual practice, that this will feel true to you or not, aligned or not, as our own experience informs us.

First, let's take a peek at what the Bhagavad Gita has to say. I am using the text "The Essence of the Bhagavad Gita" by Swami Kriyananda, who is a disciple of Paramahansa Yogananda, to bring more clarity to this practice.

The Gita says in passage's: 2:70 "Contentment is his who, like the ocean, calmly absorbs into himself all the rivers of desire. One (on the contrary) whose energy trickles outward is soon drained (of energy)."

2:71 "That person knows peace who, relinquishing all (energy-draining) desires, and fully satisfied with his state of desirelessness, no longer sees himself as a separate, individual ego."

Then later in 4:22 "He is free from karmic involvement who is contented with whatever comes to him uninvited; who is even-minded and untouched by duality; who is without envy, jealousy, and animosity; and who (finally) views success and failure with equanimity."

Clearly from these passages, we see that we are dealing with the pulls of desires, thoughts, wants, and beliefs of the attachments of our ego. This is the challenge of all of our spiritual processes and transformations. We may even notice that 'we' want to judge that ego aspect of ourselves as right or wrong. Notice the moment that happens, any sense of peace and contentment flies out of the window!

It is often easy to look upon these passages as being 'dry', boring or dull to think about desirelessness. Or to interpret contentment as stuck or acceptance of whatever comes our way, as being passive or uninvolved in our life. I have found for myself that to merely read the words is very different than to actually embrace the practice and find out what is really being expressed via experience.

Since moving to a new city, looking for work, putting energy into establishing Inner Journeys here in LA, seeking a place to live, staying with relatives and living out of my suitcase for 3 months, Life has offered plenty of opportunities for harnessing my thoughts, wants, excitements and disappointments! I have found this practice to be anything but dry and my desire to seek contentment grows.

Of course, I have an example to illustrate the practice of Santosha. For me it is imperative to become a witness, as soon as I notice I am off on my own trip. When I am clinging, resisting, creating waves of highs and lows. The practice of self-questioning brings aid in harnessing the attachment back into conscious awareness. This works for small things such as the parking ticket I got last week and not letting myself get carried away in excuses and berating. As quickly as possible, remember this is what is. What could I have done different? Take the time to read the sign more carefully. Next time, no doubt I will remember. The there are the larger things!

My tendency is to nest. I love being home, having my own space, routine, privacy, quietude and predictability. Lotus' plan for this adventure was, that I would be living with my incredibly generous relatives for maybe a month or so. My mind was prepared for this. I recognized the lessons this would enable me to learn in the interim and the opportunity to make life easier for those I live with while here. Being that this nesting, privacy, quietude etc is a strong tendency for me, even as I found acceptance for what was (short term), I still had attachments to wanting things, how I wanted them, especially as the time lengthened. I easily fell into the habit of obsessively searching Craigs List for possibilities, even though it was completely pre-mature! I would get excited (nervous system would go WEEE!) when I found something that seemed so right, only to be disappointed (nervous system goes BLAH) when it would not pan out! In the midst of the attached ego actions, I was completely missing what was.

The what was or what is, (3 months later) can be seen as God's will, not my will. And as we step back and look through a macro lens of the Universe, rather than from the micro lens of ego, we can more often than not recognize that there is most likely a reason things aren't going how 'I' want them to go, in the timing I want things to happen (which personally, is usually quickly!).

Looking at the passages above, I can humbly say, I was draining my energy with every desire for things to be different and for each fall into disappointment. It is this kind of desire, an egoic want, that becomes attached and clingy, that brings on our suffering.

Of course it is ok for me to have a desire for a place to call home. There is alignment in this for my person. For my constitution, it brings grounding, balance, peace of mind, and helps maintain health. However, this isn't what is present now. There was no contentment with the way I was holding life, as it was, and still is. My attitude about the situation is what has the power to bring about more instability than the circumstances themselves.

So, I had a choice. Continue to argue energetically with the reality presenting itself, or draw my energy back into center. This means, still myself, become quiet and breathe. Let go of my want for my own abode, for now. Accept that I am living out of my suitcase for a bit longer. Be receptive to God's will, because that is what is. Obviously my will isn't working. The footwork is done, but it isn't time.

I have found that when I am in the action mode of my doing, ie, constantly on Craigslist, obsessing on wanting an abode, and being unhappy that I don't have a my own home, my energy is not only being drained, but that the energy body is contracting like a kinked hose. The perception is microscopically focused on this attachment and the nervous system, breath and tension in the body follows suit. I can't see what is, I can only see what is NOT. And yet, in ego mode, it will keep trying what is NOT working, blind to a bigger purpose!

The taking the time to become still, quiet and breath is so powerful here. It is in those moments that we consciously practice surrendering to contentment. It is then that the kinked hose opens and the habit of willfulness is intercepted. Our breath can deepen, the mind can release what it is clinging to, the body can relax and our perception can expand to see a bigger picture. This is where Santosha/Contentment can enter in. We rest in a place of equanimity, present with what is and not needing anything to be different. When that contentment comes over us, we find a deep richness and whatever guidance needs to come through, whatever new steps need to be taken can be seen, from this open place of contentment and inner peace.

There is a reason for practice, as I have talked about before. It strengthens the muscle of that discipline or action. We gain wisdom from the experience it brings. And each time we are faced with another round of the challenge, we widdle away that habitual tendency.

I don't by any means have this one mastered yet, as Byron and I are still appreciating the hospitality of family. But just the power of awareness itself quickens the process. Although I have to keep reminding myself when my attachment creeps in and the desire for control of the situation makes itself known, I trust that this time, I won't look back regretting that I missed the gifts and blessings of this time because of resistance to Life's reality!

I feel I have been graced with many freedoms and contentment on a smaller scale since arriving in LA. I can honestly say that I have tasted the some of the reality spoken of above in the Gita passages. I say graced, specifically, because, I can't take responsibility for them. I feel that I was given the opportunity to feel and be enveloped by the quality of Santosha in the midst of uninvited circumstances simply by being open to this lesson. Spirit is always with us, guiding and blessing us. It is a matter of our being open enough and in the place of acceptance to feel the shower of blessings that rain down.

I know that my understanding will continue to deepen and expand as time goes on through this discipline. Just as all of our lessons, they evolve and change over time. We are given just what we need to deepen our wisdom and connection with God. For this I am forever grateful and to all of you who help me along the way! May we all continue to blossom on the journey together!

Jai Maa!