The topic of spiritual practice has been alive and well in conversation and in personal reflections. The word discipline, often associated with spiritual practice, can have a tricky affect on some of us. Often times there is reactivity to it, fear of judgment, feeling controlled, not being at choice, or fear of failure. Especially for those just stepping onto a spiritual path(at least consciously!) there are ideas and questions about how a spiritual practice should look, what it really means, and for some a questioning of it's importance. And for many, understandably, there just doesn't seem to be enough time!
I remember about 15 years ago, when I began trying to meditate, I had no idea what to do, how to do it, or why I was doing it. I simply started feeling and inner urge to check it out. I would sit in this lovely room my partner and I had created in the upstairs of our home. It was specifically held as sacred space, yet neither of us entered that room much. We were both equally at a very beginning stage of exploring our selves in this way. Usually I'd last about 15 minutes, feeling fidgety, and trying to make my mind stop thinking. Every now and then, I'd have this sense of some reprieve, and find myself a little more relaxed than when I had started. I made it into our sacred space maybe a handful of times over a 3 year period. Never consistently and most likely, never two days in a row.
It seems these dilemmas are common for many. I wasn't alone. I have also found that entering into a disciplined practice, even if that entrance is simply through entertaining it's idea, has a myriad of intentions behind it, as diverse as the individuals.
There are those who just want to find some peace and quiet, yet once they become still and silent, inside it is anything but peaceful or quiet. Some are genuinely interested in deepening themselves spiritually, which means something very personal to each individual. Others intend for a prayerful, contemplative time, but are not aware how to transition from the prayer to simply being receptive.
These potential roadblocks then create more tension, to the actual setting of a routine, to enter into this experience, whatever the personal experience may be, on a regular basis. And mind you, this doesn't necessarily need to be meditation. There can even be a struggle creating that same routine with a home yoga practice,a chi gong or tai chi practice. Hence, it is often easier to find a class that is enjoyed, which helps motivate. However, I am talking about those practices that we are called to, which invite us into a deeper, more silent, energy withdrawn inwardly place. I am specifying meditation though, primarily, because it does seem to be the most difficult and yet its benefits are unending!
I have found disciple to be magic when it comes to this arena. This is not to say I have great discipline, that it comes at all naturally, or that it stays consistent.
I struggled on my own for a couple of years, with a deep desire for this disciplined practice to develop. I had this idea that it should just come effortlessly. I felt that I shouldn't be so easily swayed by the day to day distractions or wants that would come my way. I was still at the command of all my impulses, my fun and instant fixes. It wasn't always conscious, but it was much easier to go do whatever, or to "be in the moment" and enjoy what that moment had to bring, than to try to get quiet!
Finally, there came the refuge for me, which was an introduction to the idea of meditation techniques. I was fortunate to be aligned with a teacher who helped me to understand more clearly what I was attempting to do. The alignment with that technique allowed me to drop into a space that wasn't affected by all the ramblings of this mind. I was taught to connect to the breath and always return my awareness to the breath, when I noticed that my focus had disappeared and my attention was all mixed in with the ramblings!
Most of us who have been traveling this path for a while, realize there are different techniques which help us to 'slip' into those empty spaces within. Yet, there are those who struggle and give up, even though there is a great desire to find this inner stillness.
After awhile, I merged my yoga practice into my meditation practice, followed by a sitting meditation. This practice was learned from Yogi Desai. I experienced how to use postures to enter a meditative state, which enabled a new ease in a sitting meditation. I felt even more blessed, and as I embarked on this new practice, I set up my regimen for myself. I established the ideal scenario for my new beginning. Up at 5:00 a.m. practice for an hour and a half, then in the evening for another hour and a half, starting at 7:00 p.m. Of course there were other ideals I attempted to uphold as well, but were met with the lack of a strengthened foundation which grows with time. And thank goodness PRACTICE!
Needless to say, it did not hold and I felt guilt. At times I let go of my practice all together. Discipline was so challenging, even though there was a craving for it. But, I want to watch a movie at night? But, I want to go out to coffee first thing in the morning? But I am too tired? But I have to work so early or I get home too late!
These are all events of living a life in this world. And while there are many schools of thought on how to achieve discipline, I have found myself organically creating a routine that feels right to me, with the information of what I have learned about myself along the way. After moving through the phase of coming down on myself when I would slip out of the discipline, I seemed to be able to create more of a floating disciplined routine. I became attuned to my personal rhythm.
I noticed that there were certain times of the day I felt more called or drawn to practice. I made that part of my routine. Knowing that time was optimal, even if I didn't feel particularly motivated on an 'off' day, I engaged the will and stuck with it. Usually it is just making that decision. But if I didn't leave a lot of wiggle room, the decision is already made. Habit forms the bridge getting me onto the mat or cushion! As this strengthened, I found other times begin to show themselves, so I followed. I allow a different flow for the couple of days I work outside the house, than the days I work from the house. I have three aspects of the practice I work with. Most of my days, I have the time I can enjoy all of them together and other times, I feel out what I am most needing. Although I have become fairly structured, I feel a great freedom in the form of the discipline. It is true to my needs and my life, in whatever shifts or flux it goes through.
What was difficult in the early years, has grown into it's own Joy. The benefits of having established my practice as a priority in my life are many. The most important is the emergence the growing conscious connection to the Self, God, Presence within! Another benefit is the how the habit, the discipline, calls me back for more and more. It has become virtually effortless and when I have to miss, I can't wait to drop in once again! The form of the discipline has given me the greatest freedom. I had to just keep sticking with it, returning, being honest with my personal flow. This also means being honest not to let myself rationalize a way out, if on occasion I 'just don't feel like it'. There is a fine balance sometimes. The balance of ones organic flow; honoring the highest desire to connect and commune; awareness of building and inner strength and fire through discipline; and at times allowing oneself to simply be.
I am so grateful that the past conflict over time and energy to make it to my practice just once a day, has blossomed over the last few years, into a deep desire to find that quietude three times a day, as time allows. I realize I am also blessed to have the space in my life in which to do so.
The evolution becomes to take this practice off the mat, out into the world, holding ones consciousness, spaciousness, clarity, equanimity, and peacefulness present through out our relationships and daily lives. I find I can only hone that practice because of the discipline I have honed, returning over and over to the Source within!
In Deep Peace~
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