So, I have an 'imbalance' in this physical body. It's name or label is not important for the purpose of this entry. And in some traditions of healing they do not label the dis-ease. Instead, they ascertain the way the body out of whack and then bring the system(s) back into alignment. That said, I have also felt that once we name something, call it out loud, we solidify it in the body and mind. There is an aiding in the creation of the condition, in it's manifestation. Many ancient spiritual traditions have realized that the spoken word is very powerful. As we speak, we turn energy into form. I have come to see that this is a factor in illnesses.
The level of sensitivity I have grown accustomed to in my body, is greater than many, yet less than others. However, although I have often felt the frustration and obsessions of this awareness, it has been an amazing learning tool for me. It is a strength, that allows me to be guided at a very deep intuitive level of my being. It is also a vehicle for me to be of service in helping others connect to their deeper voice of truth within themselves. Though, this is very natural for me, it can be cultivated by those willing to listen deeply.
My experience has shown me over the years, that while our healing can be facilitated through medications or natural therapies, true healing goes much deeper and requires listening to our emotions, our thoughts or beliefs, and the soul/spirit. We are multi-layered with subtle energies that play a role in our physical well-being. This is the body-mind-spirit concept. Add to that, if one is so inclined to believe, we come into this life carrying karmic patterns, that are seeds waiting to sprout, when conditions are ripe. Illnesses, 'imbalances' or 'dis-ease' are our teachers. We have lessons to learn through each healing process!
In this go-around, I am less fearful. Fear has been one of the lessons over the years I have had the opportunity to dance with. I would lay in bed nights, terrified of this or that. Not able to say the word cancer or would cringe if the subject turned up on tv or movies. When I was in the throes of alcoholism and making incredibly irresponsible decisions, Aids was breaking onto the scene. I would spend nights in paranoia and sweats. I have had a doctor who in the past would not tell me the symptoms of certain conditions, because my mind was way too active and my body too sensitive. She understood the connections and she understood how I would run with things, creating more suffering than necessary. That was years ago and fears have turned into faith. I feel more empowered in times of 'imbalance' and the focus is not so much about the 'problem', the focus is on the learning.
Let me lay it out in the language of specifics. I'd like to share just a couple of examples to clarify. I have experienced lymph swelling in my neck, for months on end. On the physical level, I needed to give up soy, dairy, caffine, wheat & sugar. But the clincher was on the emotional level. I had to learn to speak my mind, particularly use my voice to say "Hey, this isn't ok." I found I could use the foods minimally. However, there were times, when I was not even aware that emotionally I was 'stuffing' my voice, until the lymph would swell. The 'imbalance' was my guide, not my enemy. Immediately, as soon as I spoke my mind, listened to what was true, the swelling would disappear. This was my first concrete lesson that this connection of mind-body-spirit was indeed true, not just a concept or philosophy, but fact. Energetically speaking, this would be the Fifth Chakra. It holds the energy and consciousness of communication, surrender & judgment to name a couple of qualities.
In the third day of recovering from a kidney infection, which was the first day I was able to sit up, while reading the book, "The Beauty Myth" by Naomi Wolfe, I broke down in deep sorrowful tears and sobs. I connected with some deep pain around my femininity and felt such a deep sadness. But the amazing thing was, that as I cried, I literally felt the intense pain in the kidney gradually dissipate. By the time I was done crying over a 20 minute period, the kidney pain was gone! The Second Chakra corresponds with the kidneys and reproductive organs. This center houses our fears, denser or heavier emotions ie anger & sadness, sexuality, relationships.
For almost a year I had a constant hacking cough. Now, I was smoker for 20-some years and had been slowly working on quitting. I attributed this cough to the clearing of these toxic years. I had grown used to it and had more tolerance for it, as I used herbs to aid the process. During a workshop, my first of it's kind, I had an emotional release which took the form of the loudest, longest, growl-iest scream that I could have thought possible, exit me! My cough was no more! The lungs and respiratory system and breasts are in the realm of the Fourth Chakra or Heart Center.
This energy, ideally would express patience, purity of love, compassion. But when there is a shadow aspect, it can be a selfishness, disconnection, grief or resistance to these qualities. (Chakras may be explored more at a later time.)
As these years and lessons have progressed, the sensitivities in the body have as well. Especially during the phase I am in currently. I am shown exactly what I can and can't eat, via craving and repulsion. Things I was craving a month or so ago, such as lots & lots of dark greens has turned into primarily mung beans & rice. Foods that I had no interest in or didn't even like, have now crept into the craving spot. I listen. I trust. I look up the qualities or ask my practitioner/acupuncturist and it is validated that the body knows what it is needing!
Emotionally, I am dropping an armor I have carried as long as I can remember. I am undergoing a startling softening in my whole way of being. I am crying often, speaking more sweetly, and trying to 'prove' myself much less. It leaves me more peaceful, compassionate and accepting of myself, therefore, I can offer the same to others I come in contact with. It also leaves me feeling very exposed, raw and vulnerable. While I used to be afraid of these feelings, I am now sensing a solid grounding and a strength in the vulnerability. I am sensing a truer 'me', an ego present, but more purified and balanced. I know from my past, that nothing can undergo the transformation process without a change in energies and form. The old must go through a death. The toxic emotions, beliefs, energies must become compost or else the toxicity spreads. Once the die off occurs, rebirth takes place. New vital cells replace the old, with the help of learning the lessons. Not repeating the actions, behaviors etc that are poison to our beings. My armor may have protected me at one time, but it's use is outdated. I have to let it go or the protector becomes the perpetrator. It is not always easy to embrace a new way of being. It can be scary, unknown, and vulnerable. But we are creatures of adaptability, more accurately, we are evolving beings.
I believe it is my spiritual path and responsibility to change, evolve & transform. To transmute my fears into faith. Often that is at the very crux of all lessons. Fear & Faith can not be held simultaneously. Fear creates toxicity in the body and in the subtle bodies, it will create chaos in the systems. Learning to let go has ramifications on all levels.
I feel blessed that I have the ability to move through these times with faith. My heart goes out to those who perceive their existence one dimensionally; who feel at the mercy of their biology or are unable to find faith and peace in whatever their journey brings. And especially those who continue to suffer in old ways of being, when maybe their saving grace could be found in a complete emotional, mental or spiritual overhaul. But for some, I understand, it's not time. That too must also be held with clarity by those of us trying to help others.
My learning on this present lesson is just in it's baby stages and I am so grateful for the inner shifts already. We never know the outcome of things, but I trust that as long as I follow the guidance within, it will be exactly as it should be.
Big Love & Blessings ~ Lotus